Delightful

Lovely narrator, delightful story! This was like a breath of fresh air. The story was hot as hell, laugh out loud funny and heartwarming. Quite a rare combo.

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Just no.

This story had potential but it seemed the story was slow.



**Spoilers below**










Also, no way in hell should River be calm and make it his fault that Ellison did a scene with another person! River should have went and done a scene with another Dom and then been like "oh, were we not suppose to do that? Since you did a scene with someone else, I figured it was fine for me as well." Nope.

I feel like when Ellison agreed to be with River, that HE should have known (being in the lifestyle for so long and with the experience he has) to bring up exclusivity. Literally, River had just poured his heart out and both wanted a relationship but then weeks later Ellison is doing. scene with someone else.... Did he even think about how it would make River feel? Did he stop and wonder "hm, would I want River doing a scene with another Dom?"

Also, I stopped listening as they are in the room talking after. I just can't. so I have no idea if he had sex with her during the scene like he would with River, but come on! Like how in the hell would that not cross someone's mind about who they are with, how it would make them feel, and how they themselves would feel if it was done to them?

First book to ever DNF. Chapter 13.

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This book is a must read!

I know very little about the world of BDSM. I was extremely judgemental but this book was tremendously enlightening. I chose to read it by chance and was pulled in at the very first chapter and could not stop reading/listening. This book has really opened my eyes into the BDSM community and at the same time told a wonderful HEA story. I love the two main characters (Ellison and River) and wish their story would continue.

I purchased both kindle and audible versions. The narration of the story was by Michael Fell and I think he truly captured the essence of both characters with his voice. Kudos to him. The story is carefully thought out and very well done. I particularly loved the development of the protagonists. This book is a must read.

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a delightful sexy surprise

A gay BDSM love story with humor and heart. The 1st person narration gave it extra personality. The narrator was great.

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Realistic BDSM Portrayal and Emotional Ride

This review is a long time coming and I’m still not convinced I’m up to the task.  My instinct is to write more of an academic paper, but that’s not why I’m here.  My job is to tell you all the things I loved (and didn’t) about the book so you can make an informed decision about whether this is a book you might want to listen to.  So, here goes.

I have listened to this book twice and could easily, in a heartbeat, listen to it again and then another time.  This from a woman who rarely listens to something twice.  I love books, but once is usually enough.  With Casey Cameron’s ‘Truth by his Hand’, twice doesn’t even feel sufficient.  I haven’t even scratched the surface of what is beneath the outer layer of this book.  As soon as it came out on Audible, the synopsis intrigued me.  I love BDSM and m/m is at the top of my reading preferences these days, so why did I hesitate?

Because of River, I think.

It is very powerful to have an awakening.  At any age.  But a sexual awakening at 34?  That is something extra special because you believe you’ve seen and done it all.  Then you meet someone or watch a video or read a book and suddenly…poof, your whole life has been turned on its head.  You realize there is something you have been missing.  Your people.  You didn’t realize there were people out there like you.  Sure, many people have heard about BDSM, but how many have truly investigated it?  Felt drawn to it?  Acted on that curiosity?

I have.  And I was in my late thirties, so I could relate to River on so many levels.  Especially his perception of what a Dom should be.  Strong, tall, and frankly, dominant.  Someone who can physically restrain him and bend River towards his will.  The first time River meets Ellison, he dismisses the man out of hand.  Too short, too…well, not what River had in his mind.  Quickly, though, he sees the error of his ways.  Being manhandled by a big burly guy is one thing – being fucked over by a master dominant with piercing eyes and uncanny perceptiveness is something quite different.  And the mind fucking?  Oh, that is a whole other level of fuckery.

After a particularly deep and harrowing scene, Ellison asks River how he is feeling.  River responds:

“Good.  Drained.  Wired.  Did you get what you wanted out of it?” I’d wanted a release.  A violent burst of passion to free me from the cacophony of my own thoughts.  I wanted the meditative stillness that comes after when your whole body is wrecked from the effect of pouring out all that overwhelming emotion.  And here I was, blank and clean.  And I’d wanted intimacy, even if it had been for all the wrong reasons.  I’d cried in front of him.  He’d seen me all red-faced, snotty, and inappropriately loud and he hadn’t run.  He’d simply held me and told me how good I was and how proud he was of me.  Even if it wasn’t true, it still meant something that he cared enough to say it.  So…yeah, maybe I’d gotten what I wanted.

“I guess I did,” I said, nestling deeper into the crook of his arm.  “Did you?”

He chuckled softly and kissed the top of my head.  Tender.  “Yes.  You were magnificent.”

River wanted to break down – to experience catharsis – but hadn’t believed himself capable.  And you might be questioning why someone would want that, but it is something so powerful that I find it very challenging to explain in words.  For vanilla people – people who don’t need or want pain to get them to that point – the equivalent might be a good ugly cry.  The sobbing, body-wracking tears that leave you almost unable to breathe because the psychological pain is so acute.  Some people achieve this when a loved one dies, when a dream dies, or even during a really good book.  Sometimes you just need to let everything out and those events allow you to vent and/or grieve while having a good reason.  If you can’t stand in the woods and howl in pain, a good ugly cry is a great alternative and probably less chaotic—less likely to make you feel unstable.

Some of us need physical pain to take us to that place.  Sometimes it’s planned and sometimes a scene goes sideways, and you fall to pieces quite unexpectedly.  In some ways, those are the best times because you can just let go – put yourself in someone else’s hands, and if they are a good partner, they will be there to catch you.  It is tempting to feel like a failure when you cry or even fall to pieces in a scene, especially if that wasn’t the plan, but it’s the opposite of failure – it’s success in the best way.  And it goes a long way to fixing what might be wrong.

Interestingly, Ellison’s “greatest fear has always been that I might hurt someone in a way that can’t be fixed.  So I’m careful.”  Ellison recognizes, even before River is able to, that physical damage is far easier to heal than emotional pain, and when River pushes Ellison into hurting him or pushing him psychologically, Ellison is reticent.  But it leads to a beautiful scene where Ellison tells River, “You were perfect.  You were brave for me and so, so beautiful.”

And then a sudden realization: “I could do anything to you couldn’t I?”

Is there a right answer to that question?  As a submissive and bottom, River wants to please his ‘Sir’.  Submissives often wonder what their Tops get out of the experience.  As a recipient of such affection – often shown in violent (but consensual) ways – the bottom gets the euphoria, the endorphins, the rush of pleasure and pain.  So what does the Top get?  Aside from the feeling of power, I’ve been told they like the responsibility of holding someone in their hands, so to speak, and being responsible for them.  I think that is why aftercare is so important for both parties in a scene – because many Tops need reassurance that they are not bad people and their bottoms still ‘love’ them.

Except Sadists.  Many sadists could care less, although there is a wide range with them as well.  Ellison is not a Sadist.  He inflicts pain not just to get off, but to bring something to his partner.  Pain, of course, but something less tangible as well.  Call it connection, call it affection, call it caring – there is a two-way exchange that is one of the most intimate activities one can engage in.  Sex is right up there, of course, but so is putting yourself in someone’s hands and trusting them.  Or having them place themselves in your hands and trust you won’t hurt them beyond what they can endure.  Beyond what they have negotiated.

The relationship development between River and Ellison is critical to the progression of the book.  That being said, there are some amazing secondary characters.  I loved Deidre and Ravi, especially Ravi’s retelling of his first ‘scene’.  There was a complete realism to the event and his acknowledgement that it went bad, and the reason why was a cautionary tale.  There are reasons why there are classes in BDSM.  Why mentoring – for both the Top and the bottom – are so important.  Ravi and Deidre provided good explanations as to why they chose to do the extreme scenes they do and what they get out of it.  And, as Mariah assures River, kinksters are not born in the womb, and each one goes on a journey.

And Mariah?  OMG, I LOVE this woman!  Not only because she doesn’t let a physical disability hold her back, but because she is so brutally honest – about everything.  Her experience allows her to validate River’s perceptions, to challenge his misconceptions, and to guide him into the world of BDSM.  She is also able to vet perspective Tops.  This is so important.  Someone new to the scene (or even people who have been around for a while) should not just jump into a scene with someone they don’t know or who hasn’t been vetted.  And people within the community are, for the most part, willing to share their experiences.  Mariah is a mentor for River and this is an important role. So are the munches where River can meet other kinksters in a vanilla setting.  No pressure to dress up in gear (or down to nothing), and just a place to hang.  In fact, the novel begins at a speed-dating event for kinksters.  “Speed Kink Night.” A brilliant idea if I have ever heard one.

Speaking of secondary characters, I love ‘T’.  They are a character who doesn’t identify as either male or female.  If the listener hasn’t experienced a character like this before, the pronoun choices can be confusing.  I have friends who choose to identify as ‘them’ or ‘they’.  Whether as an acknowledgement of the hegemony of binary sexuality or simply to show support to people who don’t want to be identified, the choice is more prominent in the kinkster community.  I would like to believe it is because many kinksters aren’t hung up on gender roles.  They are open to more than labels.  Anyway, T’s quiet but consistent presence works well.  They know about River’s true heart’s work and can hold a mirror up to River, helping him see where things might be not working.

I want to give a quick shout-out to Michael Fell, the narrator.  I hadn’t listened to a book narrated by him, but now, even a month later, I can still hear his voice.  His performance was pitch-perfect and I adored him.  He brought authenticity to River’s vulnerability and internal monologues.  His Mariah was fabulous and his Ellison just worked for me in so many ways.  I will be looking for more books narrated by him.  And if they were written by Casey Cameron?  Oh, that’s an auto-buy for me.  But I digress…

Another aspect of the book that I liked a lot is the discussion of triggers.  Many vanilla people posit that only mentally ill people engage in BDSM.  Not true.  In fact, there is a lower rate of mental illness (I have read a couple of studies).  Many people in BDSM are more self-aware.  You almost have to be if you are going to trust someone so completely.  Ellison says to River, “You’re very self-aware,” and River replied, “Well, I’ve had a lot of therapy.”  I am going to leave it at that because I want readers to discover River in their own way.  In that self-awareness, though, is his ability to recognize triggers.  In his desire to push through them, though, he makes a few missteps.  River also has an uncanny ability to get inside his head and stay there, losing touch with what is going on around him.  Ellison recognizes this and adjusts their interactions so he can not only keep River present, but help him fight his demons as well.

But with that kind of power, comes great responsibility.  Which Ellison recognizes:

“I’ve had more of an effect on you than I had intended.”  He sighed, his hands slack on my shoulder.

 “You’re so eager to please me.  It didn’t occur to me that it meant I could essentially mold you, turn you into my perfect idealized submissive just by guiding you to fulfill my desires.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”  Maybe I was well-fucked and sleep-addled but I was pretty sure he wasn’t making a sense.  “I…thought that was kind of the point.”

“Not to this extent. No.”  He sighed again, finally moving his hands to gently stroke my arm.  I tried to keep it from soothing my objections away but, God, his touch just felt so good.

“I didn’t want to change you.  I didn’t want to remake you just to please me.”

“Well, you did.  And I don’t really care,” I said with a shrug.  “I’m having a good time.”

“Maybe you should explore a little more.  With other people who could show you other ways to do this.”

The sting of the words startled me.  Like a branch suddenly whipping me in the face.

“Are you really suggesting that I see other people?  Because we had a discussion about this and you might remember I had some very clear feelings on the matter.  That’s something you definitely haven’t changed about me.”

“I don’t mean as an ongoing thing, just for a while, just to have a few more experiences.  I’m not thrilled about the idea of sharing you, but I want to do this thing in a way that is healthy for you.”

“Okay, well here’s a pro-tip – it’s not healthy for me if you try to foist me off on someone else.  It makes me feel really shitty, actually.  Maybe don’t do that.”

My brain is not malleable.

I know that was a long passage and I don’t think there were any spoilers, but I think it clearly demonstrates why this is such a great book.  The self-awareness isn’t just on River’s side.  There is a lot of contemplation and reflection in this book – clearly for both, even if the entire book is in River’s point of view.  Often, when there is one point of view, I want to see inside the other character’s mind.  Ms. Cameron’s writing is so accurate and full that I didn’t feel that way.  Plus, being inside the mind of a Top can be wonky.  Whether they are a woman or a man, whether they are sadistic or not, Tops are a whole other can of worms.

Finally, I love that there was consent.  There was a safeword, of course, but both men understand that things go both ways – it is a dialogue.  And sometimes, the Top needs to use the safeword.  As it is noted, ‘consent goes both ways and if he was uncomfortable, he has a right to stop’.

I cannot say enough good things about this book.  There are plenty of good BDSM books out there, have no doubt.  There are plenty of crappy BDSM books out there.  Those are mostly (and clearly) written by people who are not in the community. Nothing wrong with writing about something you don’t know about, and I get that some writers do it out of curiosity and others do it for money, but I feel there is a need for BDSM books that accurately reflect the truth of BDSM.  I have no idea if Ms. Cameron participates in BDSM or not, but it doesn’t matter because her book is so authentic.  So whether written from personal experience or by fantastic and thorough research, this is one of the best BDSM books I’ve ever read.

Do I think everyone should read this?  Yep.  The caveat being that if there are triggers or BDSM is not your thing, then probably not.  But any reader who is curious and wants authenticity, this is your book.  I adore these men and their journey spoke to me in ways that many books just don’t.  The emotional intensity and psychological punch made me come back to the book and I will likely listen to it again.  I will sign off with two final quotes.  Both are from River and perfectly sum up his new (and fantastic) life:

My cruel tyrant.  My Sir.  My love.  The man who could open me up with a single look and spill all my secrets like glittering beads of the floor.

“I’ve put myself in the hands of a Sadist”.

Yep, a man after my own heart.

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Good bdsm story, bad narrator

I love a good bdsm story and really tried my best to keep listening, but the narration was poorly done. The different personalities and emotions are all extremely difficult to differentiate. I would recommend reading the book yourself.

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Gorgeous in almost all respects

4.5 stars that would have been five if not for a single scene of emotional manipulation that was so out of place that I can't understand what it is doing in an otherwise sensitive book.

This book is really gorgeous, it's so respectful of basically everything which is why I'm so upset by the one time that it wasn't. There are a lot of issues and different identities in this book, and they are all treated with respect which is so nice to see.

River has a lot of things he deals with, including realizing his desire for kink. Ellison, who would probably drive me around the bend with all his questions too, is the perfect fit for River. Watching them both grow together and fall in love is beautiful. I love all the friends in this story as well, I love reading about community like this.

My one problem is when River basically shames Ellison into agreeing to go without condoms without further testing. I don't care about condom use, but if one person says they want to be tested again first, the other should never basically whine that they "don't trust them". There's never a reason not to be tested, and there's never a situation where one partner should use emotional manipulation to get their way about not being tested. But the biggest disappointment is that the story handles literally everything else nearly perfectly so why? Where did this come from and how was it missed? *sad face*

Still this is a really beautiful story, full of wonderful characters, and a believable love story. It's absolutely worth reading, and I will re-read it.

Audio: This may be the first book I've listened to by Michael Fell, I enjoyed him a lot, and will seek out more of his narration. He wasn't perfect, I'm still not sure about his Mariah voice, but overall he is very good.

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River was pathetic but showed promise in the end.

I loved Ellison and all of the characters with the exception of River. I felt so sorry for Ellison having to be bothered with River. He is neurotic and whiney and generally just yucky. He was so contradictory with what he wanted and did not have the capacity to give anything of himself. He has major control issues but gets so angsty about Ellison having issues.

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Listen to this book!

I have never done any serious BDSM myself, but this book felt so much more real than most BDSM books I have listened to. Less Harlequin and more real life.

My one complaint, which is not just this book but a big chunk of most M/M books, not all gay men have crazy quirky female best friends. I feel pretty sure there are thousands of gay men out there that don't even have a female best friend, but if you listen to enough M/M books, you start thinking every gay man must have a fun loving and slightly left of center female bestie.

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Perfect!

I loved this story! Hot and sweet and the narration is perfect. The side characters were just as interesting. Our heroes have to work a bit for their HEA but it is not full of angst or manufactured misunderstandings. The struggles they face ring true and I seeing them work it through is a beautiful journey.

🔥 🔥 🔥 💘 💘 💘

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