James Butler

Thankful for your help

Revisado: 03-20-22

I like many was raised in western Christian upbringing, most of my earlier years had me in Sunday carnivals and Jesus loves me songs. my teenage years had me in a kitchen every Sunday at our post chapel so only sermons I got was when I had to get my opa to tell him I believe his cooking was done and ready for set up. and what I could hear from down the hall that was the extent of my experience in church. After college I returned home to help out and find work, not going into what I had studied at college, (criminal justice) I found life in labor working at Walmart overnights then on to work for moving companiesnext 19 yrs. Met my ex-wife at 1st job out college walmart ,had 10 yrs of up and downs in that relationship, only to come to a end when I began a serious search for who Jesus was , as I was felling empty inside and having what some say American dream, 2 story house, white picket fence, faithful lab dog and security financially. All that still left me with a hole so I picked up the bible and started out with college education study for of breaking down facts across many witnesses as a detective is to do, Jesus missing years and the fact He appears in other religious texts lead me to the notion He indeed was a authentic man and a man of power and wisdom. As I read the Bible it bewildered me how God who is all loving would want His creation to wipe out others and secure land but the complete destruction of all life took me back, gave me a fear of not knowing. I reached out as in my late 30's to church near our house to join to learn more as I still grew to grab hold of this man who loved me even in my faults aka Jesus. As a light/dark skinned young man found a church of elderly primarily caucasian men and women who accepted me in with afro hair and all with no judgments just acceptance made me feel at home inside. This new attitude I had and choice to change my life from clubbing which honestly I never liked always sat in corner so to watch my back even though I had no enemies I knew of, just really felt at odds in those places unless my wife convinced me to drink more than I usually did to let my guard down to relax. So after the beginning of my journey into filling this emptiness I had with new church and changed attitude and behavior, my wife decided that was not the path she wanted and we grew apart still living in same house but 2 different ppl than when we started. One night she didn't come home after club , I knew in my heart where and what was happening, I sought her out and found her car at the hotel she oversought as her job. I seen all seats in car pushed up so again as a educated criminal justice major i was able to put 2 and 2 together, and after several calls to her phone which went straight to voice mail I walked to front desk and told her nightshift manager to take this ring and give it to her boss when she comes down for breakfast. I drove back to our house packed my stuff and received a call at 4 am asking what is my problem, I was done angered and heart broken, I told her im not stupid I know she denied and hung up. I left retreated back to my hometown feeling why after I just found peace and felt like I was getting fulfillment from church and pursuit of God. The next week I was to be re baptized as I was when I was a kid but inside felt it held no meaning for me as just I seen it as ritual with no knowledge of why or what it meant. As I felt there was a greater work in trying to prevent this from happening for me because of the time in which the cheating happened week before the ceremony. I made it a priority it was gonna happen. The day I drove up again the church was one block from my house I stopped by to see if she would attend and we could talk, she had company he was there. I was burning inside she came out to my car still wearing the wedding ring told me she would think about it lent in and kissed me as he got into his car and watched. I drove to church tears in eyes but expecting to see her in the pews when I came out of water and facing the congregation, im was happy that water still dripped down my face as to hide the tears of disappointment as she was not there but I tired to focus on Jesus gonna help me through as its a new journey in my life, secretly believing in my heart a miracle of 10yrs of devotion to my wife in unconditional love as I. house to stay by her side and help bring her off a serious drug addiction of crack. I just knew that she would be faced with this man suffered through that and would come to realize what she is about to give up. I called and call to be made promises of at least time to talk but to be let down from cancelations by her one that just destroyed me she was going to a high school basketball game with his daughter. My mom got to see that call and the literally heart break that cause chest pains and could not breath , I couldn't take in air until my mom came and just held me and said sorry. The water works busted I said why I gave her everything why am I tossed aside like I was nothing. I got a call one day her asking who does He think He is!!, I asked who she said God , I said what are you talking about and please don't disrespect Him like that He can take the air right out you lungs at His choice, she said her owner said her work declined in management of his properties and if she had a altomatum to either reconcile her marriage or lose her job as her boss gathered i was th support structure to her focus and success at being a great VP , and all i would do is hp her stay on course even if i had to help her do physical aspects and out of box thinking as my mother helped as she ran hotels in her youth and while i was in high school, so she knew the ways to get customers and keep them. She went on disrespecting God and i told her i will hang up im not gonna listen to this and did hang up. Shortly after that she filed for divorce I was sent paper work i just ignored as i was not ready to face the harsh reality, she called the day of the divorce court date asking where i was, I was working at my job and said i don't agree to it and this is what you want so what do i need to be there for, to feel more pain as i would have to be the one to drive back to my city 1hr away after, she began crying i said what are you crying for this is what you wanted, that is why you are there right. she screamed they are making me do it her lawyer she ran my name down to so she thought I was a bad person and her new boyfriend, my lawyer said if i change my mind we can always get remarried, i said i have to go finish my deliveries I don't have time to be there good by, from that point on I went cold not as to treat ppl harshly but as to not allow my heart to get attached to another woman for fear of total loss of what left I had inside myself. After 1yr she started calling asking what im doing i don't know why I answered the calls , she'd say I miss you I'd try and stay hard and tough and say well why are you missing me when you have a new man you divorced me for, I have to go from that point on I didn't get calls during day only at 3 am , I'd be woken up having to work at 6am to either sounding like her setting phone down and singing sad songs not answering me asking her what it is she needs , so calls came as to when they were fighting . After 1 and half yrs and I don't know more women than 5 to 6 women that I have ever been with my the first 20 yrs of my life before her which she was my 3rd actual girlfriend then wife, but not many, I basically trying to close the hole and find a woman that could help me find peace again or the relationship oneness I had with her, still being challenged with searching scripture as to maybe I'd get a ah ha moment and get pass this time as I could not get lose to women , relations yes but constantlyasking myself in my mind while in the act what am I doing this is not what I'm looking for , it was a ah ha moment alright that started a recluse of searching . She came to my door asking to talk , passions got relived and she ended up moving in to my new house back in my home town. Only to have had a secret that she was also in talks with someone in texas online , she stayed for about 4 months and said she had to go to Oklahoma for a training for the new job she got here , me not knowing the job she was interviewing for was based out of Oklahoma, but as I'm thinking she is hard at work leaving to run this apartment complex here but really for there , she left training and didn't report the next day in the rental car the new job got for her to use to get back and forth from her hotel rm to company campus, asking have I seen her I said no . Then was explained what really was going on with the job and base location that was told to her, I said I didn't know if I hear from her I will tell her to contact you to return the car. I called her knowing she know I didn't know yet, she answered and said hey baby I said where are you she said heading to class I said I don't think so cause they calle me asking where yiu are with their car , you had not reported all day. She hung up I was left shaking my head to relive the pain of betrayal again after forgiving and trusting with no reserve. She came back 2 days later said some story that they changed the offer to her after she got down and that her trainer wanted her to start a relationship with him after 1st week training there and she didn't know what to do as it was a career starter again for her she said she couldn't think and ran to Texas 4hr drive from Oklahoma to see a friend to get away from it all and go to party. Well me being me ok maybe there is some water to her story so I believed her some what now with suspicion in mind im not getting the whole truth. She started another job for good will where she ended up getting supervisor position and one day closing up robbed the safe and when I left to work she hopped a bus to Michigan leaving me a dear John note. I got the call police are looking for her did I know where she is shebstole 1500.00 from safe, I said I just came home on lunch to a note saying I'm going to Michigan its not you its me. She got caught 6 months later brought back to Kansas to face trail and conviction, guess who she called . yep dummy me , I was there to show her I forgave already and would help her with limitations as I knew she had noone and nothing her own friends here she made over the 10yrs here didn't even trust her to help out, I put her up in hotel and took her to get clothes and food to store in room as trying to keep her at distance from my family because I didn't think they deserved to be betrayed again if she was to try again they were as almost fully invested in her as I was , she was their daughter in law for 10 yrs. She ended up starting to work for that hotel as I told her im not just gonna keep paying for her and she isn't trying to better herself, she ended up quitting and saying she had to leave that hotel as what hours and pay didn't cover the bill for the room and she wasn't gonna work to not have anything left to make it on and still owe for room. I get her set up in another hotel I give the hotel 1k said this is for 2 months it was 500 a month rent , I took her around to find a new better job she did and seemed to be doing good, she got a roommate to help with room rent and the roommate in a subtle way made a comment when I was there one day they need to find her a boyfriend, she gave her roommate a look. Again hearing not realizing or maybe I did and just didn't want to face it, forgot about it till we were alone and I asked what she meant by that she my ex wife said her roommate was talking about herself, I left it alone. 2 weeks later she found a apartment that was in need of repair that she promised the owner she would make with my help as I worked for electrical supply company and could get discounts on whole home remodeling and had some knowledge in work like that. Well happened again she got caught stealing from the company she worked for credit card fraud and stole some video games for a game system I didn't havebor she didn't but the guy down stairs did , so the picture was unfolding before my eyes again , all this unfailing forgiveness and love I showed was for nothing but to be used and set aside. I visited her one last time when she called as I basically stopped spending free time for 2 weeks and had to redirect my spare time to my grandparents most if not all of my time as they bagen to need help oma left side of body completely paralyzed and in wheelchair and opa had sundowner, ptsd, domentia and became delirious walking off without oma knowing , my mother finally get informed and find him .5 mile away . and I didn't have heart to tell family who I was trying to work it out with for knowing the oain it would cause them again. I sat and talked with her she told me of her new business dealings for work with guy downstairs, I said I see I went into my wallet pulled 60 dollars out as she asked for some money to get a pack of cigarettes and she just spent her last on dog food and bathroom products, I tossed it on her coffee table and walked out she walked behind me saying thank you but what is all this extra for I said by and keep walking to my car she said I love you I just keep walking , she stood there I drove off after getting 5mins out , Tears began to fall down my cheek and then after that I never cried again it was like I was broken inside. 5 yrs go by new guy became husband that got raided and locked up for 3 yrs . During his time being served she seen me driving a moving truck and then called and just answering phone I said this is James and heard her voice I was frozen 5yrs and all of a sudden I hear her voice, she says she is looking to see if we could talk and she could apologize in person as to how she treated me haunted her. I agreed to meet at a restaurant feeling safe in public and I could always walk away, we talked felt like old times no animosity I loved her I could never stay mad hurt but not mad at her. Dinner went well I went home she went home and few days later asked to meet again I agreed another restaurant, safety in numbers again I felt, again great normal conversation about how it was going and work and she wanted to show how good she was doing even paid for dinner against my wishes , I was raised to always pay. I go home she goes home. She calls again and this time says wanna meet again please I need some advice and you've always steered me in the right direction, I said sure feeling brave and confident she said uh can I ask you something are you scared to met me in not a public place I paused and said James!!!, my mouth spoke before I finished thinking No im not why would I be scared , I was inside I didn't know why but I did know. So I meet her at her apartment and yep dummy me , well again she started to have problems and I had more than enough nktvreally but didn't like to know she was without started giving her money again 160. here 200. there, her bring me over to her neices bday party which I knew when we was married but she was just a baby then so I thought well let me reintroduce myself to her family as they always thought I was best choice for her as a partner , again I was told it was over with her and the other new guy that was locked up and mainly because he was abusive beat her, controlled her and her brother even told me he wanted to harm John for how he made her face look one fight , so I was thinking is this finally what I secretly have been praying for she gonna realize how much I love her because if the difference in now 3 different men and all from what I was told didn't show as much care and devotion to her and her needs more emotional/mental needs im referring to. She ended up making plans to move in with her brother who also needed help with rent as his recently ex girlfriend broke up and he had to cover rent and bills alone, so I used my company moving truck as my employer trusted me long as I filled up tank before returning got her moved. So I began to spend a lot of time with her and it was as if the past 8yrs never happened only thing is we were not intimate not since she moved in with her brother as after work and then making sure grandparents was good and had all they needed for the night I drove next town over to spend night with her again so tired after all that and going to dinner full day id just passout and was continent in just holding her as we slept next to each other. I did eventually bring the fact of no intimacy after 2 months of being at her new home , and her brotherneven made comments that she said that he told her that James is giving you all this money and time and you don't have sex with him how do you think that makes him feel. I asked she said she wasn't ready for that and as I didn't know she had been still taking calls from John her last husband who was in jail still but soon to be getting out and he had no where to go and I asked and that has what to do with you , didn't you cry to me saying he abused you and you raped to be able to get away and now that God had given you that chance by him having to serve time away so yiu can get back on your feet and gather strength as a individual, she said I just can't be that cruel and not care about what happened to him. In my head I thought back to all the times I git to see the cruelty in her. I said fine Melissa I'm done I can't no more and left her house. 2 months go by she calls me up asking can I meet her at a restaurant to talk that John gets out in couple months and she is confused what to do and who she wants to be with,, I meet her we have dinner, i walk to my car she follows me i turn and said yes is your car not starting or something she said can i kiss her just to see,, i really didn't want to but i did and she was like wow really did you just kiss your mom,, ego came forward and i kissed her again and she said see its like you never stop loving me, i said well i dont but i can't do this on and off no more its killing me piece by piece, I drive back to my town she calls and says i think I'm get a hotel in town can i come hang out, i told her i dont thinkbtgat is a good idea and she said im not used to putting myself out there and be shot down James, i said if its forced or rushed i can't do it sorry ill call you later ok, 5yrs later i find out she moved back to my hometown and set up residency 10 blocks away from my home. I see her when I have to go to the hospital as she works at the door to check ppl temperature before they can enter. Im cord gel in passing and ask how her family , mom, sister, brothers ,nieces and nephews doing , I dont ask about her relationship status , but seen that her sister says constantly her sister need sa good man to help her see the love in life again . Yes I check her page out of idk stupidity idk. She brings those post up when I bump into her at hospital doorway during 2 mins she is checking my temperature and starting conversation. I pretend to skip over those comments with a smile and ok let me go gonna miss my appointment. idk why but I know I have to go I try to look my best but knowing I will never have enough courage or strength to try again. I have not tried to be with another woman since even though I have had offer after offer by women that get to see who my character is at work as I'm was raised a gentleman and more than likely will always be. I have taken to care for my mother as when my grandparents passed 3 months apart left me their home so my mom moved in and her health is as all of ours will slowly declining, I reserved my life to be here at service to my family mother and sisters and their kids at least until I am no longer needed to help with my mom when that day comes not in a hurry either. But reserved social life from making changes, before covid I became fully engaged at mothers church, attended men's group after men's group, volunteeringto cut grass help out in any way to be of service to God, they even had me become decon and join their board members, to which I felt I was becoming so busy in activities I lost that connection feeling to God or at least my search for feeling of God I once had and sought after so so long ago. Covid happened and with my mother's immune deficity and the last board meeting I attended we had topics of wearing congregation ask to wear mask as 1st suggestion came out in world as to some protection in beginning, I was the only person who keep my on during meeting 3 other came in with them on but after looking around the room at other senior members they removed them, i took note of that and the topic of we care about our ppl , i sat quietly when they asked if any objection to leave it up to the ppl as a choice I spoke up and said to me it doesn't look like we are caring about ppl and just going on this political positions because the same drs that we go see that tells us we need chemotherapy says to be safe for now wear a mask until we know more about this virus. They all disagreed one elder got a little tempered , later that night called and apologized for comments, but that is when I made the choice this is not the final stop for me in my search , a few other things I noticed during men's groups conversation many I just keep quite and observed then one time me and my at the tim 60 yr old mother was set to meet a few other men to cut this elderly ladies plots she had 3 basically I had one push mower and one weed eater my mom was to keep the ladies company inside and the group was gonna take care of outside, none ever showed and I called pastor to see if help was coming he said well everyone is already at ball part stadium eating hot dogs and burgers was to be pick nic after service day work for congregation, he said I told him members that agreed to help on this ladies house, he said if they dont show he will come out. He called 1hr later saying the guys forgot but he was headed up now they just finished eating,, i informed him im almost done id be done by time they pulled up. but that was another flag of this stuff the are trying to teach me is not matching up to actions. But covid and the lack of showing concerns about others helped me make the choice to protect myself and mother but attended church by online as they made the decision to start streaming service because so many regular congregation members were not coming and state mandate some months said no gathering more than 50ppl , so it was like I was given room to think again for myself in a way. I still tithed when I could. Then I had something happen to me what it felt like a surge of energy that went from my bottom of spine up my spine to my brain and felt tingly and rush of energy , I wasn't doing anything but watching football game and cooking chicken for me and my mom, I did get into letting out some held in feeling to my mom about me feeling unappreciated and everything just expected of me from her who she is German stubborn woman. I love her to death but she is not used to me trying to be my own person for last 5yrs I said my piece and as I sat down, I thought I was having a heart attack or a tumor broke loose . I ran to E.R. immediately , called my older sister have her check on our mom and she did have a falling incident trying to do something as i would be gone for idk how long get there and to have over 6500.00 dollars in test ran for them to not know what it was saying I'm fine , elevated heart rate but perfectly fine, I said no something happened I don't like coming to drs and even hate spending money on E.R. with no insurance and all the test. I got sent to heart Dr he ran eco and some other test to be told you are fine they didn't see anything. From that point I began to question what happened, what was that I felt, it was so intense it scared me. I just forgot about it for 7 months started a job for dish network, so many angry ppl that get angrier with more empathy I tried to give to them in their situation and the limitations I had as just technical support and customer service. My mom got c diff 3 times 3rd time I ened up getting it , my dr didn't believe it as he said I was to healthy my immune system should protect me from getting it. 5 weeks I suffered he was wrong I had it and 1st 4 weeks I used all my PTO as to days I just couldn't go on phone and have pains of intestinal swelling and bathroom uncontrolled movements, was forced as primary care dr still didn't believe and didn't test or agree to right time off note, 5th week it became so intense pain felt like appendix was going bust I went to E.R and right away that dr tested and 6hrs later came back confirming that I had c diff, gave me medication for 2 weeks , follow up with primary care after . I had earned PPT time enough to cover one week of treatment, so after I make it through all that trial. One day before my 42 birthday something inside me said I can't do it any more and I called and quit the job that I began to hate because of the constant angry customer acting as if they didn't have a choice if service and equipment was so bad go to another provider, not call in just to berate and demoralize the ppl just answering to help. I then find my 1st Delores Cannon book it opened a door that I said is this real. So I listened to another and everything I had a quietly asked myself and said it seems like the bible and the way its taught doesn't seem right. Like when I came to sermons on the mount, Jesus parables and the care He showed everyone I knew it was like in my heart His message was to just love take His yoke ,leave all others and do everything out of love. This was a topic that was brought up in one of the men's group book reviews , and debate started I did speak up that time and said what I just said about , Jesus said if we lay all our troubles and burdens down and just love we will cover all sins . 1 guy smiled and said yes thats what I believe, others didn't agree we had to table that conversation so we could move on but I always had a feeling it didn't have to be that strick and complicated, non judgmental just total love. After listening to Jesus and the essenes, activating a starseed, the 12 traveler, some Thomas Trowed and Paul -opening doors to inner self, then just finishing this beautiful book, has answered so many questioned in my heart I knew , and was basically being told im crazy or not knowledgeable enough. I don't hold anger or contentment toward anything I have experienced or any party involved, before coming to this type of faith teachings ,my heart told me all I went through was teaching moments some I had to do over and over and over, I for since 2 months have been trying to meditating really don't know if im doing it correctly to reach the Divine Spirit within. I want to be so of use to Spirit and help my family and pastor friend that reached out in Kenya as much help as possible, and what I've heard these past 3 months anything everything is possible if we can reach within. I know I have experienced miracles throughout my life, me starting the search right before my marriage was gonna be exposed fautly was most notable, old ego James, even as good of a man I lived up to be I know I would have ended badly for all parties evolved because of the pain but because Jesus/Yeshua they saved me again and again . God, Divine, Yeshua , He came exactly in the right time.. That need to search developed at the exact right time to save me and other things that God, Yehwa, God Source or angels , Yeshua/Jesus showed me things in dreams or feelings that have had kept me safe and protected me so I know They are around, I would like to fully engage to help others and still am searching to unlock this possibility. This book has been a major help i thank you for doing it and making it available for us. I pray others find its value as I did, I wish my family would but they all think I'm losing my mind, even though I've always been mr responsible and dependable for their needs. I pray i can provide proof of what I've been saying and what I try to tell them about the other side of Jesus and its not religion but Love. Forgiveness, freedom, that last one im still trying to understand to be honest, freedom in what 😳. Love feed back if someone knows the answer but maybe I can find it in another book . I do pray nothing more I would love to help all those I love and meet. God bless us all .

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It drew me in

Revisado: 03-06-22

I love the way she told this story, it drew me as if I could see it happening, it had a uncomfortable crying at the crucifixion part. I love God and all He is. Thank you for having the option to listen to this.

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Remarkable

Revisado: 03-04-22

If you like me and always felt what we were taught was a little off and most fouder, but Jesus take my yolk is just to love always had this feeling. I grateful she followed her calling .

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Thank you

Revisado: 03-02-22

As I feel like I'm late to the party as always. I found your words brought healing and some options to understand. I to was raised with strong Christian values and always felt there was more to what I read from scripture. So again the words you shared did connect with me , I do wish to understand more of who I am its been something that has alluded me my whole life I feel. But thank you for sharing your story was inspiring.

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