Penny Wincer is the author of Home Matters: How Our Homes Shape Us and We Shape Them, her second non-fiction book, and host of the podcast, Not Too Busy to Write, where she interviews writers on their relationship with their craft and how they make time for it.

In the years I’ve been writing this podcast, I’ve learnt alonement is just about practical considerations as it is about the emotional ones. Penny’s work is a testament to that philosophy. Her work is centred around creating the time and space for alone time, even in the most challenging of circumstances - a challenge she herself navigates every day as the mother of a disabled child.

Penny is a one-of-a-kind thinker and a brilliant interviewee, and I hope you enjoy listening as much as I enjoyed recording.

You can follow Penny on Instagram at @pennywincer and on Substack. Her latest book, Home Matters, is available to buy now. Meanwhile, I’m on Substack at francescaspecter.substack.com and Instagram @ChezSpecter.

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This week's guest, Thuy-vy Nguyen, PhD, is one of the world’s leading researchers on solitude, and an associate professor at Durham University’s dedicated research lab, Solitude Lab. Her interest is in ‘ordinary, everyday life solitude’, the kind you’re more likely to find in the corner of a cafe than on a 10-day silent meditation retreat. It’s solitude in moderation – or what we on this podcast like to call alonement.

This episode is an edifying exploration of the latest in solitude research, from how the experience of being alone affects our mental state to the pros and cons of labelling yourself an introvert/extrovert. We also talk about solitude skills, and how almost anyone can get better at it – no matter how much they hate it to begin with.

You can find out more about Thuy-vy’s brilliant work on the Solitude Lab website. Meanwhile, stay in touch with me on Instagram @chezspecter and on Substack – francescaspecter.substack.com

Referenced in the show:

Solitude: Seeking Wisdom in Extremes - A Year Alone in the Patagonia Wilderness by Robert Kull

Solitude: In Pursuit of a Singular Life in a Crowded World by Michael Harris

Solitude Skills and the Private Self – Research paper authored by Virginia Thomas

A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf

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Struggle to cook for one? We've got you - our guest Eleanor Wilkinson, recipe developer and author of One Pot, One Portion, has dedicated her career to overcoming some of the most common hurdles people face when cooking solo. Inspired by losing her father at a young age, Eleanor resolved to seize life's simple pleasures and make every moment count, including the meals she ate alone. Trained at Ballymaloe cookery school, she turned her skillset towards the oft-neglected territory of single portion meals. From her special take on lasagne for one to her innovative ways to use up a pack of tortillas when it's 'just you', this episode combines practical advice with a continuous love letter to the joy that is nurturing yourself, stomach and soul, in your alonement. Nigella Lawson's a fan, and you will be too after tuning into this episode. Why not leave a review to let us know what you thought?

If you'd like to follow Eleanor's solo cooking adventures, her book One Pot, One Portion is out now, while she's on Instagram at @eleanorgwilkinson. She also regularly updates her website, eleanorgwilkinson.com, with new recipes.

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Welcome to season 10 of Alonement! Katie Norris, an award-winning comedian and confirmed cat-cherlorette (OK, I came up with that) is my guest on the first episode of this season. Katie adopted her 'lockdown baby', Atticus, at the start of the pandemic. He's been her companion as she's established herself as a stand-up comedian, and taken a prolonged dating hiatus. She shares how she's claiming the much-maligned 'childless cat lady' stereotype (with a middle finger up to JD Vance). Plus, the highs and lows of solo comedy (after years of being a double act) and maintaining self-esteem in the face of criticism. This is a conversation about following your heart, as Katie has done, towards a life that feels right for you – romantically, and creatively. Whether you’re a fellow pet owner, a single person, a comedy fan or simply someone curious about all of the above, there will be something here for you.

Happy listening – and if you love this episode, do leave a glowing review!

Now for some handles! You can find Katie on Instagram at @katienorris26 – while Francesca is on Instagram @chezspecter and writes a Substack newsletter, francescaspecter.substack.com

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Maggie Smith is a poet & writer who found overnight fame when her poem, ‘Good Bones’, went viral on social media in 2016. Later on, her life was to take a further change when her husband of 19 years, and the father of her children, announced he wanted a divorce two years later. Her memoir, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, published in April 2023 – explores the connection between these two events, how become a hit writer led to the breakdown of her marriage – and what could be found in the disruption that followed it all. Throughout it all, Maggie’s love of creativity and solitude has been a constant – something she speaks to me about in this episode. We also talk about finding love in middle age, and the joy of a relationship that’s free from the pressure of milestones.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

Takeaways

• Alone time can be a positive and restorative experience, especially for creative individuals.
• Being in a relationship that is not working can be lonelier than being alone.
• Financial independence and self-sufficiency are important for personal empowerment.
• There is freedom in choosing a relationship without merging lives and milestones.
• Alone time is essential for creativity and self-reflection.

Chapters

00:00

Introduction and Small Talk

03:33

Exploring the Meaning of Alone

04:27

Aloneness as a Positive and Restorative Experience

05:24

The Irony of Being an Introverted Writer

06:24

The Challenges of Being an Introverted Writer in the Public Eye

08:15

Navigating Life After Divorce

09:43

The Loneliness of Incompatible Partnership

10:41

Living Alone vs. Living Without a Partner

11:36

The Myth of Partnership Solving Loneliness

13:29

The Shift in Attitudes Towards Being Alone

14:52

The Impact of Age on Relationship Choices

16:13

The Pressure to Settle Down and Have Children

17:32

Financial Independence and Self-Sufficiency

18:45

The Liberation of Not Racing Through Relationship Milestones

19:58

The Freedom of Choosing a Relationship Without Merging Lives

21:20

Balancing Independence and Vulnerability

22:48

The Lack of Cultural Models for Non-Traditional Relationships

23:44

The Beauty of Constant Companionship

24:43

The Negative Side of Hyper-Independence

25:39

The Importance of Alone Time for Creativity

27:29

Learning to Accept Help and Support

28:54

Returning to a Special Place for Solitude

31:43

The Restorative Power of Writing Alone

33:09

The Impact of Professional Success on Relationships

35:31

The Evolution of Creativity After Having Children

39:21

The Joy of Having Unstructured Alone Time

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There are certain rites of passage that take place after a major break-up. For some, it’s a hair-cut or a big solo trip, or a regrettable rebound with someone the polar opposite of your ex. My guest this week, Alice Vincent, departed from the cliches: for her, it was growing plants. In her partly autobiographical books, Rootbound and more recently Why Women Grow, Alice chronicles how she came to growing plants as a way to heal and regain a sense of control after a break-up in her late twenties. As her life has changed – Alice is now married with her first child – gardening has remained a constant for her. In this episode, we discuss how Alice has navigated the changes of the past seven years, how gardening has allowed her to maintain a version of independence throughout it, and why she never feels lonely while out in the garden. Later, Alice also shares her tips for beginning your gardening journey by yourself, whether it’s just growing herbs on a windowsill, using a balcony space or joining a community garden.

Takeaways

• Alone time can be a valuable and fulfilling experience, allowing for personal growth and self-reflection.
• Creating personal space, whether through gardening or other activities, can provide a sense of independence and freedom.
• Navigating relationships and sharing space with a partner requires constant communication and a willingness to compromise.
• Taking time alone, whether through solo trips or dedicated alone time at home, can be rejuvenating and empowering.

00:00

Introduction

04:34

Transition to Writing

06:27

Exploring Alonement

07:43

Defining Alone

09:38

Aloneness in Different Life Stages

10:35

The Luxury of Alone Time

13:04

Navigating Alone Time

14:28

Themes in Rootbound and Why Women Grow

15:21

Finding Solace in Gardening

19:46

Creating Space for Oneself

20:46

Gardening as a Solitary Activity

24:41

The Meditative Nature of Gardening

27:03

Living with a Partner and Maintaining Independence

30:16

The Ambivalence of Sharing Space

34:32

Choosing Relationships on One's Own Terms

38:52

Creating Personal Space

43:37

Tips for Starting a Growing Journey

47:21

Taking Time Alone

50:07

Ultimate Alone Time

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Leslie Stephens is the writer behind Morning Person, a top 10 Substack newsletter that chronicles her life in Portland, Oregon. In August last year, shortly after her 30th birthday, Leslie announced to her readers that she was separating from her husband. Over the past 18 months, she’s chronicled her journey of living by herself for the first time, including her recent solo house purchase – which we chat about in this episode. She also shares her advice – as a former food and lifestyle editor – of establishing a home by yourself, and – crucially – for yourself, rather than designing around the absence of someone else. Whether or not you’re already familiar with Leslie’s work, this conversation is full of gems for any kind of solo living – I hope you get as much from it as I did.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device. This season of Alonement was edited by Pineapple Audio Production.

Chapters

00:00

Introduction

01:00

Learning to Make a Home for One

02:25

Designing a Home as a Solo Liver

05:22

The Challenges and Mistakes of Designing Alone

06:47

Designing with a Partner vs Designing Alone

10:59

The Lack of Resources for Solo Living

11:55

Creating Content for Solo Living

13:17

Making Changes in a Solo Living Space

14:44

The Importance of Solitude in Designing a Home

19:44

The Lack of Resources for Designing a First Home Alone

21:08

Building a New Relationship with a Parent

22:32

Navigating the Grey Areas of Life

25:16

Coping with Weekends and Sundays Alone

27:07

Finding Joy in Cooking for One

32:29

Creating Recipes and Experimenting with Cooking Alone

38:11

The Inspiration Behind the Novel 'You're Safe Here'

46:26

Maintaining Solitude in a Relationship

47:45

The Ultimate Alonement: Movement and Stillness

10:00

The Importance of Self-Awareness

20:00

The Role of External Validation

30:00

Navigating Comparison and Social Media

40:00

The Impact of Internal Dialogue

48:40

Conclusion

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Getting engaged to your partner is typically a time for celebration. But for today’s guest Max Dickins, it was …. more complicated. As he prepared to propose to his girlfriend, Naomi, he had an uncomfortable revelation: he couldn’t think of anyone to ask to be his best man. This prompted a personal crisis for the writer and comedian – one which inspired him to address the dwindling friendship connections in his own life …… and to investigate the topic of male mental health and loneliness more. The result was his brilliant non-fiction book, Billy No Mates: How I Realised Men Have a Friendship Problem.

This is a wide-ranging discussion, which actually opens with a chat about the romance of solitude – sometimes Max has always valued, but once used as an excuse for why he sometimes had no one to see at weekends. We also cover gendered attitudes towards both solitude and loneliness, which was really interesting and definitely opened my eyes. I hope you enjoy listening.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

Takeaways

• Solitude and loneliness are not the same; solitude is a choice to spend time alone, while loneliness is a subjective feeling of unhappiness with social connections.
• Gender plays a significant role in the association of solitude and loneliness, with historical and cultural factors influencing the gendered distinctions.
• Toxic masculinity can contribute to extreme solitude and the need to outdo each other in terms of solitude, which can be pathological.
• The social biome is a balance of different types of relationships, including close friendships, casual connections, and moments of solitude.
• Weekend loneliness is a phenomenon that affects many individuals, particularly men, who may feel isolated and lacking social connections during weekends.
• Understanding and appreciating the value of solitude can lead to a healthier balance in relationships and personal well-being.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Background

03:00 Gendered Perspectives on Solitude

06:00 Toxic Masculinity and Extreme Solitude

09:00 The Rationalisation of Solitude

10:00 Loneliness vs. Solitude

12:00 The Social Biome and Balance

15:00 The Friendship Problem for Men

20:00 Exploring Masculinity and Gender Conditioning

23:00 Gendered Behaviours and Barriers to Connection

29:00 Weekend Loneliness and its Impact

34:00 Reevaluating the Value of Solitude

38:00 Reflections on the Book and the Importance of Conversation

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