Summer always gives me this feeling of freedom, like a whole season of celebration. But with that comes memories of drinking. Sitting in a kiddie pool with wine beside me, mowing the lawn with wine in a water bottle, going to the beach, and sitting at outdoor restaurants was all connected to alcohol. And even though I don’t crave it anymore, those memories still pop up when the season changes. The key difference today is that I don’t entertain the thought. I recognize the memory for what it is, and I let it go. I used to think that if I wanted something, I had to do it. Now I know that I don’t have to listen to my “wanter.”

In early sobriety, I got to learn how to do all my “firsts” without drinking. Each season had its own unique challenges: going to the pool, celebrating holidays, going to a baseball game, enjoying fall festivals, etc. I also got to learn how to feel for the first time without drinking. Learning how to laugh, cry, and be angry without it leading to a drink gave me new perspective. I was experiencing life on life’s terms. Today, I get to feel joy, grief, and excitement without fear or regret. Living sober means letting myself be in the moment without needing to alter the inside of me.

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