Medicine often forgets the people who live just beyond the call room: the spouses, the partners, the ones holding it together while the system pulls physicians apart. In this conversation, we meet Hannah and Chris, a couple who turned conflict into clarity.

As the husband of a physician, Chris found himself isolated and invisible during Hannah’s residency. What followed were hard conversations, conscious choices, and a shared commitment to rewrite the rules. Together, they challenge the unspoken norms of medicine, from toxic gratitude and performative suffering to the misplaced belief that having a family somehow weakens you as a physician.

They also introduce their project, The Other Side Med, aimed at supporting the often-ignored partners of those in medicine and building a new vision of success that includes relationships, rest, and real human connection.

In This Episode, We Discuss:

• The origin story of The Other Side Med and why male spouses of doctors need their own space
• Chris’s emotional turning point, and the conversation that changed everything
• The unspoken rules in medicine that quietly punish anyone who colors outside the lines
• The cultural gaslighting of residents: ‘if you can’t deal with it, change your choices’
• How Hannah protected herself during pregnancy without asking permission
• Why 70% of what happens in medicine would get you fired anywhere else
• You don’t need to leave your personal life at the door, and why integration makes doctors better
• The difference between transactional and relational medicine
• Their personal non-negotiables and how you can start defining your own
• Learning to say “no” with intention, knowing it will get easier every time

Key Takeaways:

• “You're not alone.” Whether you’re getting married, raising kids, or prioritizing your health, there’s no one right way to do medicine.
• Define your non-negotiables. What do you need (relationally, physically, emotionally, spiritually) to feel whole? Those are your anchors.
• You don’t need permission. From scheduling OB visits while pregnant to creating boundaries, advocacy doesn’t require approval.
• Toxic appreciation is real. Gratitude shouldn’t be used to normalize exhaustion or mistreatment.
• Say no, and mean it. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. Protecting your time and energy isn’t selfish; it’s essential.

Follow Other Side Med on instagram here.

Learn more about the Hippocratic Collective here.

Learn more about Empowered Surgeons Group here.

If you enjoyed this topic, you're going to want to join Empowered Surgeons. There’s a dedicated classroom to this topic in the “Surgeon Self-Concept” module. Learn more about Empowered Surgeons Group here.

Watch Charles Duhigg's TEDx talk here.

Get his book, Supercommunicators: how to unlock the secret languange of connection here.

To recap

Supercommunicators:

1. Listen closely to what’s said and unsaid
2. Ask the right questions
3. Recognize and match others’ moods
4. Make their feelings easy to read

The four types of conversations are:

1. Social
2. Emotional
3. Experiential
4. Practical

Social conversations answer the question, "Who are we?" The goal=acknowledgement.

Emotional conversations answer the question, "How do we feel?" The goal=empathy.

Experiential conversations answer the question, "What was that like?" The goal=understanding.

Practical conversations answer the question, "What's the solution?" The goal=decision making.

The more we match and synchronize with the person we’re communicating with, the more effective the communication becomes. Doctors often try to jump straight into practical conversations with patients, believing it saves time. In reality, first matching the patient’s style of communication and then gently guiding them into a practical discussion is a far more efficient—and effective—approach.

*****************SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING******************

This episode contains discussion of suicidal thoughts. Please listen carefully or, if this topic is especially triggering for you, skip this one entirely.

In this episode, Dr. Femi Oyewole shares his deeply personal journey of navigating medical training while living with undiagnosed ADHD. He opens up about how the pressures of residency, coupled with ADHD-related challenges, led to anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts, and how a leave of absence, support from loved ones, professional help, and self-discovery transformed his life.

We explore:

✨ How ADHD can masquerade as anxiety and depression, especially during times of high stress

✨ The spiral of negative self-talk: “I can’t manage my life → I’m not worthy → I’m worthless”

✨ Doing well at work while your personal life quietly unravels

✨ The power of a diagnosis: learning he wasn’t broken, and strategies for managing ADHD

✨ Why medication and coping strategies are both essential but not always enough

✨ The critical role of supportive programs and communities when taking a mental health break

✨ Signs of ADHD often missed in high-achieving adults, especially women

✨ How ADHD traits, like rejection sensitive dysphoria and executive dysfunction, impact everyday life and training

✨ Dealing with stigma as a neurodivergent physician

✨ How lived experience with mental health challenges can make you a better doctor

✨ Meditation, gratitude, and re-directing your brain as tools for healing

✨ Advice for physicians who suspect they may have ADHD

Femi's story is a powerful call to action to prioritize your mental health, lean on your support system, and embrace your authentic self.

Follow Dr. Femi Oyewole on instagram here.

Learn more about Empowered Surgeons Group here.