We have to learn to simultaneously talk back to our brain to tell it to hush and listen to what the other person is saying. Recognize the feelings that start to come up.

If you need time to process what was said because your emotions are too high- ask for some time to think about what they said.

Questions to ask yourself

“Why is what they are saying making me feel ( judged, criticized, or not good enough) ?”

“What is my brain making this mean?”

This is a story my brain is telling me- but is it actual fact? Is this what they are actually saying? Most likely it is not.

Do a thought download - write it all out

They said words, these words made me feel, I feel this way because

This will reveal to you the story that your brain is telling you- this will reveal the real reason why you feel an urgency, or a panic, or defensive, or whatever uncomfortable emotion it may be for you

Listening is often hard for us with anxious attachment because we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect in a relationship so hearing anything short of Positive, Affirmations- cause our brain to panic and look for red flags- aka hypervigilance. Our brain has been wired to scanning for danger “emotional dangers” - scan, scan, scan for any potential problem- this is the problem because it often makes problems where there are not. Since we have this deep rooted fear of abandonment or rejection it is beneath it all.

We have to practice grounded ourselves in the moments and not in the “potential fears” of anxious attachment.

When we are constantly putting pressure on ourselves to do everything right and be hyper-attuned to other’s needs in relationships it keeps our nervous system in a constant state of survival and over functioning. Causing us to have a hard time with clear and transparent communication, causing us to overthink, be anxious and always on edge. This will probably end up being an entirely separate podcast because the pressure to be perfect and anticipate others needs is another habit that actually causes strain on our relationships.

Our brain learned to do this when we were younger as a means for survival. This used to be a very helpful thing to us and now we are growing up and want to do more than just survive. We want to live and be present in our relationships with other people.

So when you discover what your brain is making their words mean- this is not the time to beat yourself up more for being a person with anxious attachment or for being “broken” this is the time to show yourself compassion and really validate your feelings.

You can validate your fears without believing them, You can validate your pressure without believing the story your brain is telling you. You can show yourself compassion and you can even allow yourself to be frustrated that listening is so hard right now.

I want you to know listening and communicating will get better, it will get easier. When you learn how to stop putting so much pressure on yourself, when you learn how to talk back to your brain, and calm your nervous system so that it stops scanning for dangers- it does get easier. You will be able to listen.

When my brain wants to start making my wife’s words mean something- I now say can we listen to her words first before you tell me what you think about it. I remind myself that I am safe to hear words. I am safe to hear her words. I am capable of hearing what she has to say. I don’t have to make it mean more than what she says.

You will be able to develop listening skills. You will be able to hear words that make you feel like you are the problem and then you will be able to turn it around and really hear what the other person is saying- it just takes awareness and practice, practice.