Funny Southern

The largest collection of Southern proverbs, threats and insults - translated. Each saying is categorized and annotated with alternative sayings, explanations, facts, or similar quotes from famous people. Warning: this book could be fatal to unconverted Yankees.

Can this swoon-worthy hero turn Dani's dreams into reality? Sure, Wade Spencer is easy on the eyes, has that Southern charm, and comes from a good family, but Dani has been burned by the like before and she’s not fool enough to try it again. But her little girl sees a potential daddy. Seeing how Wade showers her daughter with all the love the girl’s father has denied her, Dani can’t help but warm up to the idea of giving love another try. Wade has a lot going on—a mother with a life-threatening illness to look after, four younger siblings to keep in line, and a farm to run. That ...

Luck had never been on Tangie Thomas’s side! If it had, then she wouldn’t be selling her so-called “lucky charms” to the unsuspecting townsfolk of Clio, Alabama. And believe-you-me, she’d much rather be doing just about anything else. But, what could she do when her luck was so bad it cost her job after job until she was left with nothing but her charming personality and a few pretty baubles? She’d opened her business, Charmed, I’m Sure, right out of her ancient, bewitched purse! And she’d been just naive enough to think things were starting to look up for her when lo-and-...

It’s another murder in the little town of Roble. But not to worry, Romaine and Auntie Zanne are on it! It’s the 100th Boule of the Distinguished Ladies’ Society of Voodoo Herbalists. They’ve gotten together to eat, drink, be merry and vote for the next Lesser Mambo, a lifetime appointment second only to the Most High (bet you’ll never guess who holds that position). But the second in command spot keeps becoming vacant—that’s because the women who fill it keep dying off. This time though, it looks like murder. During an alcohol-infused dinner and a tall glass full of absinth, a...

Come along with the foremost interpreter of the south, Norman Morrison, for tales with a certain southern flavor well calculated to keep you glued to your electronic screen long after the first stroke of midnight. Meet Mynerd Troft, a failed and unemployed meat packing employee on a job interview at a secret location in Cowchip Alabama where he learns a secret so monstrous and deadly that the world of management cowers in fright that you too should discover their malevolent and vicious secret. String along with Port Love, the assistant manager down at the Cowchip Cafe in Cowchip Alabama as ...

Sheriff Gus knows it’s going to be a bad week when he sees Sedric Hedgecock’s breathalyzer score. With a blood alcohol level of 0.62 percent, Hedgecock should be dead. If the breathalyzer’s isn’t on the fritz, Hedgecock’s superhuman. Either way, he’s blind drunk, so off to the county jail he goes. Joining the wannabe Bacchus in Gus’s cells is Jennifer Louis Bachman, awaiting extradition to Kansas on a murder charge. The victim in question is Jennifer’s unborn child, and the murder weapon is an illegal Mexican abortion. With the governor vacillating on whether to extradite, ...

A one-night stand. An unwanted pregnancy. A life-changing experience. Zane Spencer can't hide from his mistakes anymore, so tail tucked between his legs, he returns home to Shiloh for a fresh start. He'll swallow his pride, go back to working on the farm he never should have left in the first place, and maybe one day he'll deserve to find a sweet girl to marry and raise a family of his own. No one will ever find out that instead of chasing his dreams with his band, he’d spent most of his time away as an Elvis impersonator. But a surprise that will change his life forever awaits him back ...

A wedding and a murder...Star football player and NFL hopeful, Michael “Bumper” Hackett is getting married. Word’s going around that it’s a shotgun wedding, and there just might be some truth to it, seeing that the bride-to-be is showing a baby bump. But before the ceremony can even get started, the poor groom collapses from what appears to be an asthma attack. Unfortunately, things aren’t always what they seem. Romaine knew it was a bad idea to have a wedding at the funeral home, but newly elected justice of the peace and sole proprietor of the Ball Funeral Home & Crematorium, ...

Keen to become a great croquet player but need some encouragement and secret hacks to make you invincible? Do you dream of demolishing your competition with shining skills and winning jump shots? Then this book is for YOU. The author reveals dastardly little-known tactics from his expertise in “The Art of Devious Croquet.” Once learned and applied, they will ensure you: Never have to lose again. Never have to admit shamefully to your club captain you fluffed your jump shot on the 13th hoop. Never have to report that you or your team lost the match to visiting opponents. With a wicked ...

Amy Kate Anderson is Southern trouble in high heels. A Fire— A Murder— What’s happened to her quiet little town of Pine Lake? Book shop owner, Amy Kate Anderson, thought she was having the worse day ever … until they wheeled a body out of the coffee shop next door and her friend, Matt Murphy, co-owner of the Beans and Leaves, became the number one suspect for the DA. Can Amy Kate find a way to help her friend and keep her dreams for her bookshop from going up in smoke? Or will the handsome Lieutenant Gabe Cooper have his way and leave Amy Kate fishing for clues among the ashes? In ...

Birtha Blacktail isn’t your average hunting dog. In fact, she’s not much of a hunting dog at all—unless snoring in the sun and philosophizing from the porch count as skills. She’s big, she’s loyal, and she’s got just enough brainpower to wag when necessary. Alongside her 14-year-old human, Jason, Birtha proves that life doesn’t have to be fast-paced or fancy to be downright extraordinary. Set in the quiet rhythms of rural life, this heartwarming and hilarious tale explores friendship, loyalty, lazy afternoons, and the occasional wild adventure (reluctantly participated in, of ...

THE RYO LODGE is an outrageous comedy/drama that takes place in 1969 in the sleepy, yet strange town of Cowchip Alabama. It is the story of a criminal with a dream, driven from his lair in Tennessee, who winds up in old Cowchip town. This character driven story of one criminal's desire to rule them all is so rich in characters and description that you'll wonder if Cowchip is real...and you wouldn't be the first. The hero, Norm, (No relation to the author) who himself is a Yankee, comes to Cowchip in the dead of the night and sets about to build the greatest crime organization the world has ...

They’ve dedicated their lives to saving others, but can they save themselves? Seventeen years ago, they met while doing emergency response work following Hurricane Rita. Maybe it was adrenaline that brought them together, maybe it was love, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t meant to be. They lived in different parts of the world. They agreed to share one night, then went their separate ways. Dr. Clara Bownton has spent her entire medical career saving people’s lives and she’s always had a soft spot for Texas. But the years of traveling to disaster sites and war zones have worn her ...

The Sweet Potato Queens like men. They like them so much that they have devoted an absolutely inordinate amount of time to the pursuit of men, marriage, and great sex. And then, when that doesn't work out, they've devoted an inordinate amount of time to divorce, gittin another one and having great sex with him instead. The Sweet Potato Queens' Field Guide to Men is the Queens manifesto on all matters of the heart, featuring tales from Queens around the world, plus the continuing adventures of the women you've come to know and love (and envy just a little bit).

This is a two-volume ebook edition of Doreen and Ken Tonks’ amusing, down-to-earth books about their life in southern Spain. Please see individual titles for descriptions and reviews.

(THE TONKS IN SPAIN containing SETTLING IN SPAIN and PROSPERING IN SPAIN is now also on sale at a reduced price.) Ken E. Tonks, husband of the celebrated travel writer Doreen B. Tonks, has finally put pen to paper to give his version of their first months in Spain, before recording the exciting events of the following spring and summer. Ken, usually a man of few words, bares his soul in this eventful narrative set on and around the Costa del Sol. His budding friendship with Fede the artist proves to be his passport into a life far removed from the insular expat community, and the singular ...

Hot men, sweet tea, juicy gossip, and good friends. That’s what you’ll find in Willowdale, North Carolina. This box set includes the first three Willowdale short stories that preclude No Foolin’, the first novel in the Willowdale series. Stories include: “A Fine How-De-Do,” “A Little Hanky-Panky,” and “A Perfect Setup.” “A Fine How-De-Do” Short story #1. 17,000 words. It’s been a bad month for Tonya Garcia. After her beloved nonna died, her boyfriend's only sympathy involved big plans for spending her inheritance. Now that he’s out of the picture, Tonya needs a new...

From Publishers Weekly In his third installment (after A Short History of a Small Place and Off for the Sweet Hereafter of hilarious adventures narrated by young Louis Benfield of Neely, N.C., Pearson again spins a rollicking yarn with somber undertones and reveals himself to be a shrewd social commentator. Essentially the chronicle of the pursuit of a stolen Chevrolet that ends with the murder of a black man, the kernel of the story is embroidered on, digressed from, told and retold with deepening significance each time. Everything that goes on in the real worldincluding the sordid and the...

PLEASE NOTE- SNAPSHOTS IS NOT A PHOTO BOOK! Matthew Lightfoot attempted to write a book while travelling the world, using thirty years of travel snapshots to jog his memory. His present day adventures take us on a campervan journey across New Zealand, to being castaway on a Fijian Island, then from the mysterious nation of Paraguay, across the high Andes by bus to South America's Pacific coast. Along the way, a series of long forgotten images lead us on a photographic exploration of the author's past adventures around the world. Lightfoot attracts incidents and his tales embark on a fast-...

He forecasts the weather on TV to the delight of his many fans. But the residents of Ocean Vista Condominiums are less fond of Uncle Weatherwise—the newest arrival at the condo—especially when a hurricane that he predicted would bypass Palmetto Beach instead heads straight for their town. The morning after a frantic evacuation, Kate Kennedy is blown away when she stumbles upon the corpse of Uncle Weatherwise, with a sharpened weather vane pointed in the direction of his heart. Suddenly Kate’s neighbors are her suspects, from a retired Rockette to a former federal prosecutor to a man ...