I Choose Darkness
A Holiday Essay
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Narrated by:
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Jenny Lawson
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By:
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Jenny Lawson
About this listen
From cheap costumes to creepy dolls to questionable candy, number one New York Times bestselling author Jenny Lawson weaves a hauntingly hilarious account of her ongoing—sometimes outrageous—Halloween life.
The holly-jolly holidays aren’t for everyone, least of all when you look back on that one Christmas when there were two definitely haunted dolls waiting for you and your sister under the tree. You have to assume that’s where it all started.
And so it was for Jenny Lawson. Now, she lives in the land of eternal Halloween, as evidenced by her interior decor and general state of darkness. (Although, if you ask her, her taxidermy zoo is less dark, more delightful. But not everyone has taste, so what are you going to do?)
This essay takes Jenny back to where it all started, from her humble beginnings as a trick-or-treater in the 1980s, on high alert for (logistically improbable) candy laced with razor blades and the (allegedly) ever-present threat of satanists on the loose. From there, she has risen from the candy-wrapper ashes of her childhood to claim her rightful lifestyle as the queen of Halloween.
©2022 Jenny Lawson. (P)2022 Brilliance Publishing, Inc., all rights reserved.Listeners also enjoyed...
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Garden Spells
- By: Sarah Addison Allen
- Narrated by: Susan Ericksen
- Length: 7 hrs and 43 mins
- Unabridged
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The Waverleys have always been a curious family, endowed with peculiar gifts that make them outsiders even in their hometown of Bascom, North Carolina. Even their garden has a reputation, famous for its feisty apple tree that bears prophetic fruit, and its edible flowers, imbued with special powers.
Generations of Waverleys tended this garden. Their history was in the soil. But so were their futures.
Together again in the house they grew up in, the Waverley sisters realize they must deal with their common legacy - if they are ever to feel at home in Bascom - or with each other.
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I so want to give it 5 stars...!!!!
- By Joihelene on 10-09-10
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She Got Up Off the Couch
- By: Haven Kimmel
- Narrated by: Haven Kimmel
- Length: 8 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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When we last saw Zippy, she was oblivious to the storm that was brewing in her home. Her mother, Delonda, had literally just gotten up off the couch and ridden her rickety bicycle down the road. Her dad was off somewhere, gambling or "working." And Zippy was lost in her own fabulous world of exploring the fringes of Moorland, Indiana.
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Great fun !!
- By Kim on 04-20-11
By: Haven Kimmel
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Stories I'd Tell in Bars
- By: Jen Lancaster
- Narrated by: Jen Lancaster, John Fletcher
- Length: 8 hrs and 27 mins
- Unabridged
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Unfiltered. Unapologetic. Older, but not wiser, Lancaster goes back to basics in this hilarious essay collection about everything from taking community policing classes to accidentally getting high with her waiter after a fancy dinner. These are the tales she'd tell if she met you in a bar... if she weren't too lazy to put on pants and go to a bar. Offering advice ranging from how to remain happily married to a man who refuses to blow his damn nose already to not creating An Incident at the cheese counter during an attempt at Whole30, she's you, only louder.
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self absorbed
- By D D H on 06-15-19
By: Jen Lancaster
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Too Close to the Falls
- A Memoir
- By: Catherine Gildiner
- Narrated by: Allyson Johnson
- Length: 11 hrs and 5 mins
- Unabridged
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Welcome to the childhood of Catherine McClure Gildiner. It is the middle of the 1950s in Lewiston, New York, a small and sleepy American town very near Niagara Falls. No one is divorced. Mothers wear high heels to the beauty salon and children pop Pez candy and swing from vines over a local gorge. But at the tender age of four, it becomes clear to her Cathy's parents that their rambunctious daughter is no ordinary child and they soon put her "to work" at her father's pharmacy.
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Brilliant and funny and touching.
- By Kindle Customer on 11-07-19
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Gummi Bears Should Not Be Organic
- And Other Opinions I Can't Back Up with Facts
- By: Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
- Narrated by: Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
- Length: 4 hrs and 44 mins
- Unabridged
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In this latest mommy audiobook from the popular blogger, author, and TV personality, Stefanie will share her secrets for achieving a balance in motherhood between being protective and caring and downright bats--t crazy. She'll debunk some of the looniest parenting myths and reinforce others; she'll describe how, through as simple a process as good old trial and error, she's learned to pick and choose what works for her and her family, and tune out the rest.
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You’re A Parent Now...Don't Mess It Up
- By Tim on 04-16-15
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A Girl Named Zippy
- Growing Up Small in Mooreland, Indiana
- By: Haven Kimmel
- Narrated by: Haven Kimmel
- Length: 6 hrs and 23 mins
- Unabridged
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When Haven Kimmel was born in 1965, Mooreland, Indiana, was a sleepy little hamlet of 300 people. Nicknamed "Zippy" for the way she would bolt around the house, this small girl was possessed of big eyes and even bigger ears. In this witty and lovingly told memoir, Kimmel takes readers back to a time when small-town America was caught in the amber of the innocent postwar period - people helped their neighbors, went to church on Sunday, and kept barnyard animals in their backyards.
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Beautifully written, beautifully read.
- By shopgirl on 03-06-08
By: Haven Kimmel
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Autobiography of a Fat Bride
- True Tales of a Pretend Adulthood
- By: Laurie Notaro
- Narrated by: Hillary Huber
- Length: 7 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
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In Autobiography of a Fat Bride, Laurie Notaro tries painfully to make the transition from all-night partyer and bar-stool regular to mortgagee with plumbing problems and no air conditioning. Laurie finds grown-up life just as harrowing as her reckless youth, as she meets Mr. Right, moves in, settles down, and crosses the toe-stubbing threshold of matrimony.
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Hilarious
- By MissSusie66 on 05-10-12
By: Laurie Notaro
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Labor Day
- By: Joyce Maynard
- Narrated by: Wilson Bethel
- Length: 6 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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Story
In a manner evoking Ian McEwan's Atonement and Nick Hornby's About a Boy, acclaimed author Joyce Maynard weaves a beautiful, poignant tale of love, sex, adolescence, and devastating treachery as seen through the eyes of a young teenage boy - and the man he later becomes - looking back at an unexpected encounter that begins one single, long, hot, life-altering weekend.
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Good story but anti clamatic
- By Nana on 11-25-13
By: Joyce Maynard
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Laughing Without an Accent
- Adventures of an Iranian American, at Home and Abroad
- By: Firoozeh Dumas
- Narrated by: Firoozeh Dumas
- Length: 5 hrs and 51 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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In the best-selling memoir Funny in Farsi, Firoozeh Dumas recounted her adventures growing up Iranian American in Southern California. Now she again mines her rich Persian heritage in Laughing Without an Accent, sharing stories both tender and humorous on being a citizen of the world, on her well-meaning family, and on amusing cultural conundrums, all told with insights into the universality of the human condition. (Hint: It may have to do with brushing and flossing daily.)
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Sigh
- By Sara on 01-29-14
By: Firoozeh Dumas
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Why I Hate Green Beans
- And Other Confessions About Relationships, Reality TV, and How We See Ourselves
- By: Lincee Ray
- Narrated by: Lincee Ray
- Length: 4 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
If there is one thing Lincee Ray has learned over the years, it's that the majority of women on the planet struggle with insecurities. Our skinny jeans mock us. Our just-trying-to-help mothers are just driving us crazy. Our social media feeds taunt us with everyone else's picture-perfect lives. It's enough to send you on a gummy-bear bender while binge-watching Friends reruns and not showering for a week. Lincee knows. She's been there. Right there, in fact. Gummy bears and all.
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Perfect in every way!
- By Anonymous User on 10-19-22
By: Lincee Ray
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Does This Baby Make Me Look Straight?
- Confessions of a Gay Dad
- By: Dan Bucatinsky
- Narrated by: Dan Bucatinsky
- Length: 5 hrs and 37 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
In 2005, Dan Bucatinsky and his partner, Don Roos, found themselves in an L.A. delivery room, decked out in disposable scrubs from shower cap to booties, to welcome their adopted baby girl - launching their frantic yet memorable adventures into fatherhood. Two and a half years later, the same birth mother - a heroically generous, pack-a-day teen with a passion for Bridezilla marathons and Mountain Dew - delivered a son into the couple’s arms.
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A Parenting Book with Humor and Heart
- By The Reading Date on 02-05-14
By: Dan Bucatinsky
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Everything Is Awful
- And Other Observations
- By: Matt Bellassai
- Narrated by: Matt Bellassai
- Length: 6 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
From the break-out star of BuzzFeed and the People's Choice Award-winning comedian comes a collection of hilariously anguished essays chronicling awful moments from his life so far, the humiliations of being an adult, and other little indignities. Matt Bellassai has no idea what he's doing. Well, to be fair, he did become semi-Internet famous by getting drunk at work, making him a socially-acceptable - nay - professional alcoholic. He's got some things figured out. But the rest is all just a terrible, disgusting mess.
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Best Audio Book I’ve heard ever.
- By M on 11-23-17
By: Matt Bellassai
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Waiting for Snow in Havana
- Confessions of a Cuban Boy
- By: Carlos Eire
- Narrated by: David Drummond
- Length: 16 hrs and 6 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
A childhood in a privileged household in 1950s Havana was joyous and cruel, like any other - but with certain differences. The neighbor's monkey was liable to escape and run across your roof. Surfing was conducted by driving cars across the breakwater. Lizards and firecrackers made frequent contact. Carlos Eire's childhood was a little different from most. His father was convinced he had been Louis XVI in a past life. At school, classmates were attended by chauffeurs and bodyguards. Then, in January 1959, the world changed....
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Poorly chosen narrator
- By LS on 02-10-16
By: Carlos Eire
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Same As Her Other Book
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In July 1952, Dr. Walter Freeman arrived at the gates of a West Virginia asylum. In his medical bag he carried two metal picks and a surgical hammer. He had invented a “cheap, easy” ten-minute lobotomy. The press described it as a miracle cure, a new frontier in psychosurgery. That summer, in just twelve days, Freeman lobotomized 228 men, women, and children in West Virginia’s public mental hospitals. His blitzkrieg of brain surgery became known as “Operation Ice Pick,” named after the tools he wielded.
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The Jolliest Bunch
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For many families, the holiday season is—in a word—unhinged. In no family is that more true than in Danny Pellegrino’s, beloved podcast host of Everything Iconic and bestselling author. Inappropriately improvised monologues at the children's Christmas pageant, presents that land someone in the emergency room, or just sitting on the absolute roller coaster that is a Hallmark movie marathon, the holidays are a strange and magical time in the Pellegrino household. And nobody knows this better than Danny.
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Christmas with a giggle and a happy tear (or two)!
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Padded with Information Unrelated to the Special
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Christmas Wishes at Pudding Hall
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Christa Playfoot is looking for a fresh start after her divorce. Having lost her Michelin-starred restaurant, she hadn't expected to be job hunting and single just before Christmas. When her best friend says she's recommended Christa for a gig as a private chef over the Christmas period, Christa can't think of a reason to say no. Christa has no idea what to expect but it's certainly not grumpy billionaire divorcee Marc Ferrier and his rambunctious twin sons, or the beautiful but cheerless country estate, Pudding Hall, that they inhabit.
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More angst than usual from this author
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The Fright Before Christmas
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
The folklore roots of Christmas under its many other guises (Yule, the Winter Solstice, Saturnalia) is examined in a different, darker light. The Winter Solstice is a time to be afraid. It’s the shortest day of the year, the longest night. In some parts of the world, the sun doesn’t rise at all. It’s dark, and we have to wonder if the sun will ever come back at all. Christmas has always been creepy and with The Fright Before Christmas, you'll see that side. This is a book for everyone who loves a little darkness around the holidays.
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What flair!
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Excuse Me While I Disappear
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Laurie Notaro has proved everyone wrong: she didn’t end up in rehab, prison, or cremated at a tender age. She just went gray. At past fifty, every hair’s root is a symbol of knowledge (she knows how to use a landline), experience (she rode in a car with no seat belts), and superpowers (a gray-haired lady can get away with anything). Though navigating midlife is initially upsetting—the cracking noises coming from her new old body, receiving regular junk mail from mortuaries—Laurie accepts it. And then some.
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Meh. Maybe funnier with a different narrator
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The Man Who Invented Christmas
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Just before Christmas in 1843, a debt-ridden and dispirited Charles Dickens wrote a small book he hoped would keep his creditors at bay. His publisher turned it down, so Dickens used what little money he had to put out A Christmas Carol himself. He worried it might be the end of his career as a novelist. The book immediately caused a sensation. And it breathed new life into a holiday that had fallen into disfavor, undermined by lingering Puritanism and the cold modernity of the Industrial Revolution.
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Beautifully Told!
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People I Want to Punch in the Throat
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- Unabridged
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Overall
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Story
Jen Mann doesn't have a filter, which sometimes gets her in trouble with her neighbors, fellow PTA moms, and that one woman who tried to sell her sex toys at a home shopping party. Known for her hilariously acerbic observations on her blog, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Mann now brings her sharp wit to bear on suburban life, marriage, and motherhood in this laugh-out-loud collection of essays. From the politics of joining a play group, to the thrill of moms' night out at the gun range, to the rewards of your most meaningful relationship, nothing's sacred or off-limits.
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Boring, not funny, and kind of mean
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By: Jen Mann
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Christmas and Other Horrors
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- Unabridged
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Overall
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Hugo Award-winning editor, and horror legend Ellen Datlow presents a terrifying and chilling horror anthology of original short stories exploring the endless terrors of winter solstice traditions across the globe, featuring chillers by Tananarive Due, Stephen Graham Jones, Alma Katsu, and many more. This anthology of all-new stories invites you to huddle around the fire and revel in the unholy, the dangerous, the horrific aspects of a time when families and friends come together—for better and for worse.
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Excellent and Eclectic
- By D. Evert on 06-21-24
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The Adventure of the Christmas Pudding
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In this short story, Hercule Poirot is asked to attend a Christmas celebration in order to apprehend a jewel thief who has taken advantage of an unwary Eastern prince.
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I Great story and plot.
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What listeners say about I Choose Darkness
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- Jeremy
- 10-24-22
never disappointed
Jenny is my kindred spirit and I wish we were best friends. I also was forced into those same costumes and more politically incorrect options over the years. oh and how many times was I forced to be Annie...
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- Riley Pennington
- 10-31-22
A new Halloween Favorite
This was such an unexpected treat! I will now be listening to this each Halloween 🎃 👻
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- Brandee
- 02-01-23
JENNY LAWSON ROCKS!!!
She's magical. This story is wonderful, like her. She is so funny and whimsical. This is about Halloween, and it's great!
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- DebbieDD
- 10-19-22
Awesome
This is hilarious. The author does great narration and the story is so relatable, I'm not sure who to share it with first, my cousins or my brothers.
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- gizapuff
- 10-17-22
100% Entertaining!
I almost never leave reviews but I had to speak up. Literally almost every sentence in this book is entertaining! The author has an amusing down home charm and hilarious sense of humour that carries throughout the book. It brought back memories of similar experiences that filled me with warmth.
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- Ed Ferling
- 09-30-23
Want More of Jenny Lawson!!
Loved it! I have been hooked on her books since the first one. Always waiting on the newest for the Laughs & adventures, but it never comes soon enough. FromS.F.💖
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- Mindy Rubelmann
- 11-28-23
Lol
I Love everything by Jenny Lawson because she is awesome! I laughed out loud. Fantastic!
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- C. Porter
- 10-10-22
this author can read
this author can read. well done and funny. I hope this is enough words.. .
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- Amazon Customer
- 10-11-22
Yikes!
The story was unpleasant and all over the place. It was like the drunken call you get from a long lost friend. I’m sorry, but the author shouldn’t have read her book her voice is irritating! And she spoke too fast. Another reader might have been able to help make this a better listen.
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- designsbybarbsravon
- 01-04-23
Hysterical Halloween
Jenny shares her holiday memories of basically Texas Halloween celebrations. Great for a good laugh!
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