You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again
One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up
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Narrated by:
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Heather McDonald
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By:
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Heather McDonald
About this listen
You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again is the laugh-out-loud story of an attractive Los Angeles woman who found herself in the predicament of being an unwilling virgin.
As an actress, writer, and stand-up comedienne, Heather McDonald passed up ample opportunities to have her V-card revoked by handsome, rich, and sometimes even fabulously famous men, but she could not bring herself to do "it" until well after her friends had been deflowered. As Chelsea Handler so lovingly puts it, "Thank God, Heather waited 27 years to lose her virginity or she wouldn't have any material for this book."
Whether in a backseat, a community pool, or a sports stadium, with a frat boy, a doctor, or an A-list celebrity, Heather McDonald knew how to turn those boys blue. Unlike "putting out", blue balling might not have paid her rent or landed her free trips to Hawaii, but it did provide her with hilarious stories and adventures in her search for true love - and, ultimately, her very own happy ending. Now, Heather McDonald will never blue ball in this town again.
©2010 Heather McDonald (P)2011 Brilliance Audio, Inc.Listeners also enjoyed...
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Has Anyone Seen My Pants? is a laugh-out-loud trip around America (and Mexico!) with Sarah as she braves crying in nail salons, mother-daughter road trips, Iowan casinos, and single-shaming resorts. From a fling-gone-wrong to friend breakups and a new romance, Sarah's signature wit and sharp observations take you on a journey at once so deviously funny and surprisingly compassionate that it might just steal your heart - not to mention your pants.
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clearance shelf material
- By lisa martinez on 04-28-15
By: Sarah Colonna
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There Are Worse Things I Could Do
- By: Adrienne Barbeau
- Narrated by: Adrienne Barbeau
- Length: 7 hrs and 20 mins
- Unabridged
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Adrienne Barbeau never set out to be a sex symbol, and she never planned on giving birth to twins when she was 51, but both those stories and a lot more are detailed in this witty, revealing memoir. With humor and fearlessness, she shares her romance with a superstar, her marriage to a famous film director, her marriage to a much younger man and her successful battle with infertility.
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Excellent book
- By Jill on 01-05-10
By: Adrienne Barbeau
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I Don’t Care about Your Band
- What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I’ve Dated
- By: Julie Klausner
- Narrated by: Julie Klausner
- Length: 6 hrs and 23 mins
- Unabridged
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In the tradition of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie Klausner's candid and funny debut I Don't Care about Your Band sheds light on the humiliations we endure to find love - and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage. I Don't Care about Your Band posits that lately the worst guys to date are the ones who seem sensitive. It's the jerks in nice guy clothing, not the players in Ed Hardy, who break the hearts of modern girls.
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Shopping for Men at the Wrong Mall
- By Pamela Harvey on 01-02-13
By: Julie Klausner
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Easy for You to Say
- By: John Melendez
- Narrated by: John Melendez
- Length: 6 hrs and 9 mins
- Unabridged
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Easy For You To Say is "Stuttering" John Melendez's memoir of his childhood being bullied in school for his stutter; his years as an on-air personality with The Howard Stern Show; and his subsequent 10-year career as a writer and on-air announcer for Jay Leno's Tonight Show. It details his famously acerbic relationships with celebrities he interviewed/insulted (Raquel Welch once punched him in the face). In the audiobook, Howard Stern emerges as a surprisingly mean, stingy, and megalomaniacal boss - and Jay Leno as a seeming sufferer from OCD.
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Was expecting more
- By Amazon Customer on 10-25-18
By: John Melendez
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The Wrong End of the Table
- A Mostly Comic Memoir of a Muslim Arab American Woman Just Trying to Fit In
- By: Ayser Salman, Reza Aslan - foreword
- Narrated by: Ayser Salman, Assaf Cohen
- Length: 7 hrs and 35 mins
- Unabridged
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Part memoir and part how-not-to guide, The Wrong End of the Table is everything you wanted to know about Arabs but were afraid to ask, with chapters such as “Tattoos and Other National Security Risks,” “You Can’t Blame Everything on Your Period; Sometimes You’re Going to Be a Crazy Bitch: and Other Advice from Mom,” and even an open letter to Trump. This is the story of every American outsider on a path to find themselves in a country of beautiful diversity.
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Not what I was looking for
- By Amazon Customer on 09-01-22
By: Ayser Salman, and others
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Challenge Accepted!
- 253 Steps to Becoming an Anti-It Girl
- By: Celeste Barber
- Narrated by: Celeste Barber
- Length: 6 hrs and 24 mins
- Unabridged
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Part memoir, part comedy routine, part advice manual, Challenge Accepted! is Celeste at her best, revealing her secrets to love, friendship, family, and marriage (oh hai, #hothusband), and how to deal with life’s many challenges - why she checks the bath for sharks, how Nutella quite literally shaped who she is as a woman, and why being famous on Instagram is like being rich in Monopoly. It’s real, like totally, really real.
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Prepare to crack up in the grocery store
- By Chicago_Mama on 05-30-19
By: Celeste Barber
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Dirty Thirty
- By: Asa Akira
- Narrated by: Veronica Worthington
- Length: 5 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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As she contemplates turning 30 years old while still being in the adult film trade, Asa Akira, author of the best-seller Insatiable, delves into her past, present, and future, exploring the events that brought her to where she is now and the surprising and insightful plans she has for her future. Internationally known as a porn star, Akira's perceptive, funny, and straightforward writings on love, sex, death, marriage, and celebrity come together in a surprising book of essays.
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this was fun I'm going to buy her other book 2
- By Sir Lawrence on 01-09-19
By: Asa Akira
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White Girl Problems
- By: Babe Walker
- Narrated by: Tavia Gilbert
- Length: 6 hrs and 21 mins
- Unabridged
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Babe Walker, center of the universe, is a painstakingly manicured white girl with an expensive smoothie habit, a proclivity for Louboutins, a mysterious mother she's never met, and approximately 50 bajillion Twitter followers. But her "problems" have landed her in shopping rehab - that's what happens when you spend $246,893.50 in one afternoon at Barneys. Now she's decided to write her memoir, revealing the gut-wrenching hurdles she's had to overcome in order to be perfect in every way, every day.
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Hysterical
- By Kimberlykate on 02-01-13
By: Babe Walker
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Single State of Mind
- By: Andi Dorfman
- Narrated by: Andi Dorfman
- Length: 8 hrs and 59 mins
- Unabridged
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Andi Dorfman, breakout star of ABC's The Bachelorette and New York Times best-selling author of It's Not Okay, returns with this new collection of her adventures as a still-single gal surviving and thriving in New York City.
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Shallow
- By c63989 on 01-10-18
By: Andi Dorfman
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What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding
- A Memoir
- By: Kristin Newman
- Narrated by: Kristin Newman
- Length: 7 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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Kristin Newman spent her 20s and 30s dealing with the stresses of her high-pressure job as a television comedy writer, and the anxieties of watching most of her friends get married and start families while she wrestled with her own fear of both. Not ready to settle down and yet loathe to become a sad-sack single girl, Kristin instead started traveling the world, often alone, for a few months each year, falling madly in love with attractive locals who provided moments of the love she wanted without the cost of the freedom she needed.
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Struggled to Finish
- By YITBOS on 11-21-15
By: Kristin Newman
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30 Before 30
- How I Made a Mess of 20s, and You Can Too
- By: Marina Shifrin
- Narrated by: Marina Shifrin
- Length: 6 hrs and 41 mins
- Unabridged
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Something was nagging Marina Shifrin. As a freshly minted adult with student loan payments and a “real” job she hated that paid her enough to get by if she also worked two other jobs, something needed to change. Marina and her friend each made lists of 30 things they’d do before the age of 30. The first thing on Marina’s list was, “Quit My Shitty Job”. So she did, and just like that the List powered her through her twenties. Told with humor and heart, 30 Before 30 will entertain, motivate, and challenge listeners to get out of their comfort zones and live their best lives.
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Inspiring read
- By Chris Gledhill on 12-18-18
By: Marina Shifrin
What listeners say about You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Annalee Goodwin
- 01-07-19
love Heather
Heather is hilarious. I'm so glad I found this book. Now I've listened to all of her books
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- Cesar
- 03-06-23
So funny
Loved this book , I can’t believe it took me this long to listen to it. Hilarious
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- Paul O.
- 07-31-19
SO WONDERFULLY FUNNY. I would turn on my audiobook as often as I could
Heather McDonald is a huge talent with a lot of presence and poise in her narration. I really enjoyed getting to know her and the life that she’s lived. She’s got a lot of heart and soul but can be sharply witty. This is one funny Lady!
In the genre of the incredible Chelsea Handler, who can tell stories that make you laugh out loud (Like the prison story in her book, “Vodka...” (I think), I felt Heather was by far more consistent and even in her storytelling, always making a point, never rambling, and never disgusting in her over-drinking. Heather was purposeful and wanted to pass on what she’s learned. I enjoyed her voice as it was expressive and really pleasant. You can really feel close to Heather through her experiences, and I rooted for her. I was sorry that this book was only about three hours (but actually felt like eight in a good way) but glad that her next book (the new) is five or so hours. I can’t wait to read that! Don’t miss this gem!
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- Kyla
- 04-04-22
An essential for a Juicy Scooper!
If you love Heather McDonald, this is an awesome look into her backstory! Love that it was read by her, I love her honesty and funny stories about her youth!
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- Casey Bailey
- 05-08-23
So hilarious
I feel like me and Heather had the same dating history. Lol This was the best. Now I don’t feel so abnormal about my Dating history. 💞💞💞
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- Buck
- 11-01-16
Hooray for me and screw You!!!
Would you recommend this book to a friend? Why or why not?
Only to let a friend know how self possessed and usury some women can be,
How would you have changed the story to make it more enjoyable?
Stop with all of the how I took advantage of men and look how pretty and smart I amexcerpts.
Did Heather McDonald do a good job differentiating all the characters? How?
Her being the main character was the most expanded part, and she played the connivingcoed sorority girl to the hilt.
Did You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again inspire you to do anything?
Avoid women like Heather McDonald.
Any additional comments?
During the summer I read Chelsea Handler, Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman, Lena DunnAmy Poeller, and Tina Faye. With exceptions of Tina Fey & Amy Poeller all of their books are very similar. The Jewish girls are hung up on their Dads and telling everyone about their gynecological issues and how they lost their virginity, while struggling to be good comedians.. Lena Dunn's book was the worst of all of the books. She may be a genius but she has a lot of "physco" baggage and disgusting physical issues" to get off her mind. Also Amy Poeller is very rude to a man siting in first class.. She assume he's rich, because he bumped her getting off the plane. Maybe he upgraded with points and or paid extra to enjoy a first class flight, but she had to call him a rich Mother F**ker because her and her girlfriends wanted to be noisy on the plane.I lost a lot of respect for Amy after reading that excerpt..
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3 people found this helpful
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- Albert Fortner
- 11-18-20
I love Heather, but...
I absolutely love Heather McDonald. I’m subscribed to her podcast Juicy Scoop, I love her stand up, and loved her on Chelsea Lately.
All that being said, her books just don’t...do it for me. I read My Inappropriate Life and this book and both of them are just so bland to me.
When she’s reading them on Audible, it seems like she’s reading a book instead of telling a story. I hope that makes sense.
It’s just so bland and, frankly, uninteresting.
There are a lot of stories in the book that I have heard her reference during her stand up routine.
Like I said, I absolutely LOVE Heather. Have since the Chelsea Lately days, but clearly, book writing isn’t her strong suit.
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- Etoile NEOhio
- 07-19-21
Abridged version
Short, fun romp. Easy listening for a gap between more serious books. The audiobook is abridged and that was fine.
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- jennie
- 05-27-16
College Queen and 20 something
I loved this book. I'd recommend it to anyone missing their college days and 20s!
It's also great if you just love Heather. I liked when she included outfits and makeup to each story!😄
One of my favorite parts is when she puked at a party with Peter and yet they still were in love! I puked on my now husband's shoes on our first date and we are still together!
Some Amazon reviews shit on the book as a college memoir of being a party girl but they suck. I loved those memories and when she writes about choosing Peter and Mckenzie my heart melts. It's such a good story and a true display of love!❤️❤️❤️
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1 person found this helpful
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- Brittany
- 02-08-16
fun read
quick fun read/listen. I liked it and will most likely be purchasing her more recent memoir as I love celebrity memoirs.
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