We watch the last half of “The Five Doctors”, the 20th anniversary special that posits the eternal query: “If Tom Baker can’t be bothered to show up, is it really all that special?” As we ponder that question, the Doctor encounters (yet doesn’t recognize) his childhood bestie, the Doctor encounters phantom companions he shouldn’t know that they shouldn’t recognize him, the Doctor encounters a clumsily-plot-necessary Sarah Jane Smith, the Doctor encounters unused filmed footage, all whilst the then current Doctor saves the day after encountering all that prior stuff (spoilers...?). My brain still hurts trying to make sense of the plot more that forty years after the original airing.

We watch the first two episodes of the 20th anniversary serial “The Five Doctors” in which the Doctors and their assorted companions get transmatted to the infamous Death Zone on Gallifrey... but none of them actually die? As said surviving is going down, the Doctor acts sexist, the Doctor attends the Brig’s poorly attended retirement party, the Doctor drags Sarah Jane behind Bessie, the Doctor gets stuck in the transporter buffer (that’s for you Trekkies), all whilst the Doctor is going through a “phase”. And that’s about as clear as the plot was to me.

Now that our podcast locks its bedroom door, ignores us, and calls us ‘stupid’, we give it space to let it explore itself as we discuss Series 14. Whilst said ‘special time’ is occurring (it’s natural... we all do it...), friend-of-the-show-Tim asks us which random Doctor/Companion pairing would ‘do it’ (ship much Tim?), we recycle past Drunktor Who talking points (which ones you hear depend on what Steve deems broadcast worthy), and John presents Steve with another bracket... this time involving music used on this season. I sure hope the McCartney/Lennon classic ‘I Love My Dog’ wins! Spoilers sweeties...

We watch “Empire of Death” (Series 14, Episode 8) where the Doctor realizes this season’s big big bad is a bad bad boy... oh yes you are... you are soo bad.... So whilst Sutekh is ‘Thanosing’™ the universe, Mel travels down memory lane, the Doctor goes spooning with a ‘kind’ woman (oh did we already get over Rogue? too soon Doctor... too soon...), and Ruby gets the lamest origin story. Even Hawkeye is like ‘Wow... that (John-E filter engaged) shit is weak’. Get it? Cuz Hawkeye is so lame as to not use a swear? Sigh... nobody gets me...

We watch “The Legend of Ruby Sunday” (Series 14, Episode 7) where the Doctor commandeers the vast resources of UNIT to solve the season long mystery of... Ruby’s parentage? WTF? So the same woman who keeps showing up on various planets and in various time-lines is the frakkin’ B plot?!? OK then (deep breath). Whilst said misdirection is occurring, we are also treated to the blatant disregard to what is an actual anagram: ‘Sutekh’ is not even close to being an anagram of ‘S Triad Technology’. ‘Drastic holy gents’ is the best I can come up with. Still a legit anagram. Come at me RTD2.

We watch “Rouge” (Series 14, Episode 6) where the Doctor and Ruby travel back to basically... Bridgerton! Whilst the Whosome Twosome dance to anachronistic chamber music, evil shape shifting bird people wreak havoc for (Nan-E filter engaged) poops and giggles (Shonda Rhimes wishes she thought of that). All that plus the Doctor flirts with a bounty hunter (surprisingly not Boba Fett... I mean would smash either), there’s another oh-no-Ruby’s-dead fake out, and a Kylie Minogue song helps this episode be just that teeny bit gayer.

We watch “Dot And Bubble” (Series 14, Episode 5) in which we meet the seemingly vacuous and totally-non-homicidal Lindy Pepper-Bean. We follow Lindy on her typical day: she wakes up, checks her social feed, reports to work for her daily two hour shift, narrowly avoids being eaten by slow moving slug creatures…you know, the usual. Whilst all this was going down, the Doctor and Ruby are shocked (SHOCKED! I tell you) to discover that Lindy and her wealthy, white, blonde haired, Aryan buddies are all racists. Except for dreamy Ricky September whom Lindy throws under the bus to escape being killed by Phantasm orbs. #JUSTICEFORRICKY. Unless he was also a racist then screw that guy.

We watch “73 Yards” (Series 14, Episode 4) where Ruby stars in the British remake of “It Follows”: “It Semperdistanses”. While Ruby keeps a constant 66.75 metres from her new lifelong lady friend, she learns the Welsh are dicks, she prevents a mad Welshman from making it rain nuclear warheads, and dies of old age on the shore of Wales whilst successfully informing her younger self to warn the Doctor to not... step on string? That reminds me... the titular Doctor was in this episode! And whaa... Denise was on this podcast? That’s like 219 feet of added value!