Jason Voorhees - Audio Biography

By: Quiet.Please
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  • Summary

  • Greetings, babysitters and mental hospital escapees! Lock your doors, check your closets, and for the love of all that's holy, don't investigate that strange noise outside! We're about to dive into the blood-soaked saga of everyone's favorite masked maniac – Michael Myers! So grab your biggest kitchen knife, don your whitest William Shatner mask, and prepare for a stabby stroll through four decades of Halloween havoc! Our tale begins not in the cursed town of Haddonfield, Illinois, but in the creative minds of director John Carpenter and producer Debra Hill. The year was 1978, and apparently, they decided that autumn nights weren't quite terrifying enough without adding a silent, stabby shape to the mix. Thus, Michael Myers was born – not with a silver spoon in his mouth, but with a kitchen knife in his hand. Now, let's clear up a common misconception right off the bat. Despite sharing a name with the guy who voiced Shrek, our Michael Myers is decidedly less jolly and green. Although, come to think of it, they both have a tendency to terrify people just by showing up unexpectedly. The difference is, one says "Get out of my swamp!" while the other just heavy breathes menacingly. Potato, po-tah-to. In the original "Halloween" film, we're introduced to young Michael Myers on Halloween night, 1963. At the tender age of six, little Mikey decides that sibling rivalry has gone too far and murders his older sister Judith. Because nothing says "I'm upset you won't take me trick-or-treating" like a knife to the torso. This charming family moment leads to Michael being institutionalized at Smith's Grove Sanitarium, where he presumably spends the next 15 years perfecting his trademark head tilt and taking "the silent treatment" to Olympic levels. Fast forward to 1978, and 21-year-old Michael decides he's had enough of hospital food and group therapy. He breaks out of Smith's Grove, steals a car (despite never having had a driving lesson – take that, DMV!), and heads back to his hometown of Haddonfield. His goal? To reconnect with his younger sister Laurie Strode and introduce her to his favorite hobby – murderizing people. It's like the world's worst family reunion, but with more stabbing and less awkward small talk. Now, let's break down the key elements of Michael's iconic look: The Mask: A modified Captain Kirk mask painted white. Because nothing says "emotionless killer" like William Shatner's face. It's the ultimate example of upcycling – from sci-fi icon to slasher staple. The Coveralls: Blue and oh-so-slimming. The perfect outfit for both auto repair and autumnal homicide. It's like the Swiss Army knife of murderous fashion. The Kitchen Knife: Big, sharp, and always within reach. It's like he's constantly preparing for an extreme episode of "Chopped." Gordon Ramsay would be proud... if he wasn't so terrified. The Head Tilt: The adorable way he looks at you right before he tries to turn you into a shish kebab. It's like a puppy's head tilt, if the puppy were a soulless killing machine. The Slow Walk: Because real killers don't run. They dramatically power walk. Michael Myers: bringing speed-walking back into style since 1978. Michael's modus operandi is pretty straightforward: stalk, stab, repeat. He's not one for witty one-liners or elaborate Rube Goldberg-style kills. Nope, Michael keeps it simple with good old-fashioned knife work. It's like he's the blue-collar worker of slasher villains – no frills, just kills. He's the guy who brings a knife to a gunfight... and somehow still wins. What sets Michael apart from other movie monsters is his utter lack of personality. He doesn't quip like Freddy, he doesn't have mommy issues like Jason, and he certainly doesn't sparkle like a certain vampire we could mention. Michael is a blank slate, often referred to as "The Shape" in the credits. He's less a character and more a force of nature – if nature wore a mask and had a vendetta against hormonal teenagers. He's the strong, silent type taken to homicidal extremes. The original "Halloween" was a massive hit, spawning a franchise that includes 13 films (as of 2022), novels, comic books, and enough merchandise to fill a very disturbing Hot Topic store. Michael became a horror icon faster than you can say "baby-sitter in peril." He's like the McDonald's of murder – instantly recognizable and always consistent in his delivery. Over the years, we've seen various attempts to explain Michael's evil nature and seemingly supernatural abilities. These range from him being pure evil incarnate to being cursed by an ancient Druid cult. Because nothing says "ancient Celtic religion" like a guy in a rubber mask stabbing people in suburban Illinois. It's like the writers threw darts at a board of "spooky explanations" and went with whatever stuck. The "Halloween" franchise has more timelines than a quantum physics textbook. Let's try to break it down: The Original Timeline: Halloween (1978) through Halloween: ...
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  • Jason Voorhees - Audio Biography

    Jason Voorhees - Audio Biography
    Oct 19 2024
    Welcome, camp counselors and machete enthusiasts! Grab your sleeping bags, pack your first aid kits, and for the love of all that's holy, stay away from Crystal Lake! We're about to dive into the blood-soaked saga of everyone's favorite hockey-masked maniac – Jason Voorhees! So strap on your goalie mask, sharpen your machete, and prepare for a murderous romp through twelve movies of camp counselor carnage! Our tale begins not at the ill-fated Camp Crystal Lake, but in the mind of filmmaker Sean S. Cunningham. The year was 1980, and apparently, Cunningham decided that summer camps weren't quite terrifying enough without adding a vengeful, aquatic-phobic killer to the mix. Thus, the "Friday the 13th" franchise was born – not with a whimper, but with a "ki-ki-ki, ma-ma-ma" that would echo through horror history. Now, let's clear up a common misconception right off the bat. Despite being the face (or mask) of the franchise, Jason Voorhees isn't actually the killer in the first "Friday the 13th" movie. That honor goes to his mother, Pamela Voorhees. Talk about a helicopter parent! Most moms just call the camp director if there's a problem, but Pamela went straight for the jugular... literally. In the original film, we learn that young Jason drowned at Camp Crystal Lake due to negligent counselors who were too busy canoodling to notice a child in distress. This tragic event turns Camp Crystal Lake into "Camp Blood" and sets Mama Voorhees on a path of revenge bloodier than a Tarantino film marathon. But fear not, dear listeners! Jason wasn't content to stay dead. He pops up at the end of the first film, providing a jump scare that launched a thousand sequels. From "Friday the 13th Part 2" onwards, Jason takes center stage as our favorite camp-stalking killer. Now, let's break down the key elements of Jason's iconic look: The Hockey Mask: Not present until the third film, but now more closely associated with Jason than with actual hockey. It's like the world's deadliest sports memorabilia. The Machete: His weapon of choice, though Jason's not picky. He's been known to use everything from sleeping bags to liquid nitrogen. He's like the MacGyver of murder. The Tattered Clothes: Because even undead killing machines need a signature style. Jason's rocking the "grunge zombie" look before it was cool. The Superhuman Strength: Able to punch heads clean off and throw people through walls. Clearly, the Crystal Lake water had some serious performance-enhancing properties. The Silent Treatment: Like Michael Myers, Jason's not much for conversation. He lets his machete do the talking. Jason's modus operandi is pretty straightforward: punish those who dare to have fun (or premarital sex) at or near Camp Crystal Lake. He's like the world's most violent camp counselor, enforcing lights out with extreme prejudice. His typical victims include amorous teenagers, hapless camp staff, and anyone unfortunate enough to wander into his territory. It's like a very bloody game of "Red Light, Green Light" where Jason always wins. What sets Jason apart from other slasher villains is his... let's call it "resilience." This guy has been killed more times than Kenny from South Park, but he always comes back for more. He's been stabbed, shot, set on fire, dragged to hell, and even launched into space (more on that later), but like a bad penny or a pop-up ad, he just keeps coming back. The "Friday the 13th" franchise has more sequels than a soap opera has evil twins. Let's take a stab (pun very much intended) at breaking down Jason's journey: "Friday the 13th" (1980): Jason's mom goes on a rampage. Jason makes a surprise cameo at the end. "Part 2" (1981): Jason debuts as the killer, sporting a sack on his head like a murderous scarecrow. "Part III" (1982): Jason gets his iconic hockey mask. Fashion icon status achieved. "The Final Chapter" (1984): Spoiler alert - it wasn't the final chapter. "A New Beginning" (1985): Psych! It's a Jason copycat killer. "Jason Lives" (1986): Jason becomes a full-on zombie. Because regular Jason wasn't tough enough to kill. "The New Blood" (1988): Jason vs. a girl with telekinetic powers. It's like "Carrie" meets "Wrestlemania." "Jason Takes Manhattan" (1989): Jason takes the longest boat ride ever to New York, only to spend most of his time in Vancouver... I mean, "New York." "Jason Goes to Hell" (1993): Jason's soul body-hops. It's like "Quantum Leap" but with more disembowelment. "Jason X" (2001): Jason in space! Because why not? "Freddy vs. Jason" (2003): The heavyweight bout of horror. It's like if Ali vs. Frazier involved more machetes and dream demons. "Friday the 13th" (2009): A reboot that tries to cram four movies' worth of plot into one. Spoiler: It doesn't quite work. Some of Jason's most memorable moments include: Punching a guy's head clean off in "Part VIII." Because sometimes, a machete just feels too impersonal. Being turned into a weird man-child creature in "Jason Goes to Hell." It's like...
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    10 mins

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