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Episode 168

Ah, sweet freedom. One glorious month to sit back and savor the exquisite schadenfreude of being off while others toil away in the fluorescent-lit trenches of workplace misery. For eight long months, you’ve endured the delicate ballet of navigating normal coworkers—a refreshing upgrade from the Kafkaesque nightmare that was four years with the Worst People Ever™. Who were they? Sociopaths masquerading as team players? Passive-aggressive micromanagers? Coffee-stealing goblins? Doesn't matter. What matters is they’re no longer your problem.

Picture them now, shivering at their desks as another winter Monday dawns. Maybe their office heating system is just broken enough to match their frozen souls, while you sit here basking in your own personal holiday utopia. They’re probably wondering where their lives went wrong as they trudge through their inboxes, neck-deep in petty email chains about who forgot to CC Karen. Karen’s mad, obviously, and probably CCing everyone now. It’s all so... small.

Meanwhile, you, a beacon of triumph, are staring down the barrel of 31 glorious days of doing exactly what you want. Or nothing at all. It’s an art, really, to fill an entire month with absolutely no regard for corporate nonsense. Will you sleep until noon just because you can? Eat breakfast at 3 PM? Binge-watch a series so bad it lowers your IQ? The possibilities are as endless as their TPS reports.

Oh, how poetic it is that they must labor through office Secret Santa exchanges and forced merriment while you enjoy the most wonderful gift of all: not giving a damn. Imagine their grim holiday party. Bland hors d'oeuvres, tepid conversations, and Bob from Accounting getting just drunk enough to reveal he hates everyone. Somewhere, someone is wearing a sweater with lights and wishing they’d stayed home.

And yet, through it all, there you are, untouched by the madness. You’ve emerged from the war zone of toxic colleagues scarred, perhaps, but victorious. You’ve seen the worst humanity has to offer in the form of people who’d steal your stapler and gaslight you about it. You’ve endured team-building exercises so cringe-inducing they should be banned under the Geneva Convention. And yet, here you are. Unstoppable. Unbothered. A phoenix rising from the ashes of mediocrity.

Sure, you’ve earned this holiday. But there’s something sweeter than rest: the knowledge that they can’t escape. Not just the worst people ever, but even your current coworkers—decent as they may be—are trapped in the cycle. They’ll squint at spreadsheets and juggle deadlines, while you sip something warm, staring out the window, marveling at how the world spins without you lifting a finger.

So, take a deep breath, my friend. You’re no longer a prisoner. You’re a holiday hero. A rebel without an Outlook calendar. When your month is up, you’ll return with a tan—or at least a glow—and they’ll still be there, complaining about Karen.

Music:
Echobelly - Great Things
Badly Drawn Boy -

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