We talk a lot about the positive aspects of family meals, but in reality, eating dinner together isn't always the safe, warm experience we want it to be. For many people, trauma is an unwelcome guest at the table. To find out why that might be, and how to make dinner feel safer, Bri and Annie talk with therapist, author, and trauma expert Dr. Marti Straus.

Marti begins by explaining that trauma is a response to stressful experiences, not a single event. She distinguishes between what she calls "Big T trauma" and "little t trauma," or a specific very upsetting event (such as a car accident or assault) vs. a series of possibly less noticeable, repeated stressful events over time (such as bullying at school, neglect, often going hungry, etc). Marti stresses that these repeated "little t traumas" can add up to developmental trauma in children, which can then also be compounded by mealtimes where the caregiver who is supposed to provide for the child may be unpredictable, unreliable, or even dangerous.

Marti and Annie both agree, in their roles as therapists, that mealtimes can be especially complex for children with developmental trauma because of the mixed signals -- the conflict between dinner as an inherently nurturing activity, and a parent or caregiver who is not behaving in nurturing ways. The stress of that situation, they say, can follow people into adulthood and make it difficult for parents with their own traumatic histories at dinner to create a safe and welcoming mealtime routine for their own kids. Both share examples and solutions from their own therapy practices with families to help make meals more comfortable and safe for everyone.

Bri also asks Marti for insight into how neurodivergence intersects with trauma at the table. Marti explains that often, the demands of family meals can be harmful or traumatic to a neurodivergent child who is being expected to behave in a more "typical" way. Lack of responsiveness to the child's sensory and behavioral needs can cause developmental trauma. She explains how parents can envision the kind of relationship they want to nurture with their children at the table, and how to co-regulate for more positive meals.

The trio end on recommendations for food, fun, and conversation: Bri suggests a mac and cheese bar to make a familiar comfort food more interesting and varied for the whole family, while Marti offers a quick and easy activity to help transition to the table without anxiety. Annie finishes the episode by encouraging families to talk about what makes us feel comfortable and safe.

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