We talk a lot about the positive aspects of family meals, but in reality, eating dinner together isn't always the safe, warm experience we want it to be. For many people, trauma is an unwelcome guest at the table. To find out why that might be, and how to make dinner feel safer, Bri and Annie talk with therapist, author, and trauma expert Dr. Marti Straus.

Marti begins by explaining that trauma is a response to stressful experiences, not a single event. She distinguishes between what she calls "Big T trauma" and "little t trauma," or a specific very upsetting event (such as a car accident or assault) vs. a series of possibly less noticeable, repeated stressful events over time (such as bullying at school, neglect, often going hungry, etc). Marti stresses that these repeated "little t traumas" can add up to developmental trauma in children, which can then also be compounded by mealtimes where the caregiver who is supposed to provide for the child may be unpredictable, unreliable, or even dangerous.

Marti and Annie both agree, in their roles as therapists, that mealtimes can be especially complex for children with developmental trauma because of the mixed signals -- the conflict between dinner as an inherently nurturing activity, and a parent or caregiver who is not behaving in nurturing ways. The stress of that situation, they say, can follow people into adulthood and make it difficult for parents with their own traumatic histories at dinner to create a safe and welcoming mealtime routine for their own kids. Both share examples and solutions from their own therapy practices with families to help make meals more comfortable and safe for everyone.

Bri also asks Marti for insight into how neurodivergence intersects with trauma at the table. Marti explains that often, the demands of family meals can be harmful or traumatic to a neurodivergent child who is being expected to behave in a more "typical" way. Lack of responsiveness to the child's sensory and behavioral needs can cause developmental trauma. She explains how parents can envision the kind of relationship they want to nurture with their children at the table, and how to co-regulate for more positive meals.

The trio end on recommendations for food, fun, and conversation: Bri suggests a mac and cheese bar to make a familiar comfort food more interesting and varied for the whole family, while Marti offers a quick and easy activity to help transition to the table without anxiety. Annie finishes the episode by encouraging families to talk about what makes us feel comfortable and safe.

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Bri and Annie dive into the difficulties of domestic labor -- who's doing what, who bears the brunt of making family dinners happen, and what can be done about uneven distributions of labor in our households.

Taking on the cultural criticism of family meals as anti-feminist, Annie points out that the role of The Family Dinner Project has always been to try to encourage people not to create perfect, retro-style family meals that require women to spend hours in the kitchen doing all the work. Instead, the goal is to create meaningful and joyful experiences where everyone contributes, and we work towards building families where the kids will grow up with the ability to take ownership of dinner-related tasks -- regardless of gender and outdated expectations.

Bri remembers speaking with fatherhood expert Dr. Anthony Chambers about the shifting roles of men in two-parent households, and she and Annie discuss whether there is a new trend towards men sharing the load. They agree that while the face of domestic labor has changed, and men are definitely contributing more than in generations past, there's still a lot of ground to cover on the invisible labor front. Annie shares thoughts on how couples might navigate discussions around more equitable division of household chores, while Bri points out that help can be found in many places -- kids, friends, neighbors, and creating a broader "village."

They finish the episode by recommending listeners check out this list of "no-fail" dinner ideas that can be delegated to other members of the household; these grocery store scavenger hunts for both younger kids and teenagers; and the graphic on their site, with helpful prompts for couples who want to plan for a more egalitarian household routine.

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On this episode of The Family Dinner Project Podcast, Bri and Dr. Anne Fishel are joined by Dr. Evelyna Kambanis for a deep dive into the world of picky eating, ARFID, eating disorders, and more.

Dr. Evelyna Kambanis is a Clinical & Research Fellow at the Eating Disorders Clinical and Research Program at Massachusetts General Hospital. Her research and clinical interests focus on avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID). She helps walk us through the differences between developmentally normal picky eating, which occurs in most children, and feeding issues that may signal a problem warranting medical help. Evelyna breaks down the clinical definition of ARFID -- Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder -- and how parents can tell when picky eating has become something more concerning. She also helps shed light on the possible red flags parents may see at the dinner table when a child has ARFID or is in danger of developing another type of eating disorder, such as anorexia.

As always, we end the episode with food, fun, and conversation suggestions to help families who may be dealing with ARFID, sensory sensitivities, and other types of feeding challenges at their family dinner tables. The Family Dinner Project's Welcoming Table initiative has plenty of resources to help, but families are also encouraged to reach out with questions or concerns. Families dealing with extreme picky eating may also benefit from Evelyna's suggested resource, The Picky Eaters Recovery Book.

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