To say my life was unmanageable before I got sober is an understatement. I stopped paying bills, going to work, and even getting out of bed. Mornings were a blur of throwing up and drinking wine just to keep something down. (Sorry for the visual.) When I reflect on what it truly means to admit that life is unmanageable, I realize now that for me, unmanageable meant impossible. I was faced with a choice: live or die.

And yet, I kept drinking. In 2015, I sought help and spent six days in detox. My withdrawal symptoms were so severe that I was prescribed a walker because I was a fall risk. Even after all that, I drank again just two months later. For another eight months, I spiraled—until my 15-year-old daughter, Bailey, said, “Mom, it’s okay to try again.” Imagine your child encouraging you to save your own life. I thought I’d carry regret for that moment forever.

But I’ve learned not to regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Those moments of shame and despair brought me to where I am today. I’m grateful for the lessons and the chance to start again.

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#SobrietyJourney #RecoveryIsPossible #GratitudeInRecovery #OvercomingAddiction #MentalHealthAwareness #AlcoholFreeLife #SoberLiving #HealingThroughSobriety #AddictionRecovery #FromRegretToGratitude

I told my husband when I started my podcast that if my pain could help even one person, I would have achieved what I set out to do. With every message I receive from listeners in recovery—whether from alcoholism, stroke, or mental health challenges—he reminds me, "You’ve reached your goal again." (I know, he’s adorable!)

It’s important for me to always remember my purpose. It keeps me motivated and hopeful on the days when I question what all this pain is for. Despite the odds, I’m still here, and my voice was given back to me after losing it during my stroke, when I couldn’t form the words I was thinking.

I’ve come to realize that my goals are the right size for me now. A few years ago, my aspirations revolved around being praised and distinguished. Accepting my disability was the first step toward understanding my role as a human being among human beings. It’s taken hard work to appreciate subtle progress and to recognize the gifts of recovery.

I no longer strive to be the best, only to crawl under the covers with a swig of wine. My years of wishful thinking were steeped in absolute fear. Now, instead of wishing for what I want, I work toward what is possible.

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#PurposefulLiving #RecoveryJourney #MentalHealthMatters #StrokeSurvivor #AlcoholRecovery #EmbraceProgress #FindingYourVoice #GratitudePractice #HealingJourney #HopeAndHealing #SmallStepsBigChange #LivingWithPurpose #InspirationThroughAdversity

Today I listened to an amazing new type of music for meditation. Its native American flute music by R. Carlos Nakai. The album is called “Earth Spirit.” It made me feel like I was in a massage studio awaiting my massage therapy to begin. I was listening because I needed an alternative to yoga today. I’m super sore but didn’t want to skip getting my mat out today for fear that it would break the habit I’m building.

Yoga has been the single most effective therapy for my chronic back pain. I have faith that it will help me like it always has. Having faith in something means nothing unless I act like it—that means I get on my yoga mat every day. Having faith in my sobriety program and acting like it means that I go to meetings every day. Having faith in a higher power, whatever that means in my life, means that I’m not self-centered in my behavior.

The first leap I’ve had to make is to believe that something outside of me can help me or may know better than me. The next leap is to act like I believe it—do the next right thing even when I don’t want to and don’t feel like it. Believing must inspire action to have any impact on my life.

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#FaithInAction #BeliefAndAction #ActOnFaith #DailySobriety #NativeFluteMeditation #YogaHealing #ChronicPainRelief #MindfulLiving #SpiritualGrowthJourney #DoTheNextRightThing #RecoveryInspiration #HigherPowerGuidance #BuildingHealthyHabits

When I was a kid, we didn’t run to the doctor at every sneeze, fever, or vomit. We “rubbed some dirt on it and walked it off.” In fact, as a teen I crawled to the phone to ask my grammy what could be wrong with me because my stomach hurt too bad to walk. She said I might have appendicitis, and I needed to go to the hospital which I promptly did with my sissy.

I laugh at these memories now, but at the time, hobbling around after possibly breaking my ankle while attempting (and failing miserably) to slide into third base was anything but funny. My point is that seeking professional help was typically a last resort, and I carried that forward throughout my life.

Even more ignored are the invisible illnesses that quietly linger, gradually bubbling to the surface— depression, anxiety, eating disorder, alcohol abuse, etc. These conditions are more difficult to know when to seek professional help, but there are clear signs that indicate it's time to reach out:

· Persistent symptoms that interfere with daily life

· Trouble concentrating

· Difficulty in relationships and work performance/attendance

· Changes in physical symptoms like digestive, cognitive, headaches, etc.

When to Seek Immediate Help:

· Thoughts of self-harm, suicide, or harming others

· Severe physical symptoms (e.g., fainting, chest pain, blackouts)

· Risky behavior like driving under the influence

· Drastic weight loss, malnutrition, or dehydration

Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

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#MentalHealthAwareness #SeekHelpNotWeakness #InvisibleIllness #MentalWellness #SelfCareMatters #BreakTheStigma #MentalHealthSupport #ItsOkayToNotBeOkay #SignsOfStruggle #StrengthInSeekingHelp

My sobriety was unstable in the beginning—the time between putting down a drink and getting exposed to stories from other recovering alcoholics that helped me understand the pain underneath the alcoholism. It was during this time that I relapsed after my first stint at INOVA CATS detox facility. I wasn’t drinking to numb the pain, yet I didn’t yet understand the value of the pain.

Emotional sobriety is the work that is leftover after you put down the drink. When I stopped drinking, I was fearful, selfish, depressed, frustrated, and left to marinate in it all while I immersed myself in all that was recovery. After unsuccessfully staying sober after my first detox, the second time I made a decision that was absolute—I would do EVERYTHING that was suggested to stay sober.

Doing everything meant going to sobriety meetings, reading the literature at least 20 minutes per day, go to IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program), see an addiction therapist, get a sponsor, say yes to extracurricular sober activities and service opportunities, pick up the phone, talk about my thoughts and feelings, and roll a penny down the street with my nose (kidding – just seeing if you are still reading).

The reward of this work is emotional sobriety—serenity and joy—being able to say in a single moment, “There is nothing wrong right now. Absolutely everything in my life is just as it should be.”

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#EmotionalSobriety #SobrietyJourney #RecoveryWork #AddictionRecovery #MentalHealthMatters #HealingThroughPain #OneDayAtATime #SerenityAndJoy #SobrietySupport #PersonalGrowth #DetoxRecovery #SoberLiving #OvercomingAddiction

Unfortunately, I did well in school by putting forth minimum effort. When I reached Calculus 5 as a senior in college, minimum work didn’t cut it. I think I failed every test and quiz in that class. All I remember of that class was being drunk. Toward the end of the semester my professor asked me if I was SUPPOSED to graduate the following month. I said yes, and she gave me a D—I didn’t earn that D.

It’s unfortunate that I didn’t learn the benefits of hard work and the ramifications of minimum work. I carried that lack of work ethic with me until I got sober at 42. I tried to do the minimum to get sober, too: just go to meetings, buy the literature but don’t read it, get a sponsor but don’t call her, etc. I had an excuse for everything, and I kept drinking.

I had a chasm of despair that needed to be filled. I reached an all-time bottom in my life that required me to make a decision: do EVERYTHING that is suggested to remain sober or keep killing myself slowly. The simple act of asking for help was the beginning of a new life for me, one that I am deserving of happiness. The more work I put in, the more complete, serene, and joyful I feel. I like hard work—go figure.

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#SobrietyJourney #HardWorkPaysOff #RecoveryWins #PersonalGrowth #ChooseHappiness #NeverTooLate #DeserveToBeHappy #SobrietyMotivation #RecoveryLife #TransformationJourney

I’ve looked up the definition of spirituality a zillion times since I stopped drinking. Depending on where I looked, there were various meanings of the word. I emphasize the difference between spirituality and religion in my life because spirituality specifically opened the door to both my physical and emotional sobriety.

My favorite definition of spirituality involves connection with others, the universe, or a higher power; seeking to understand one's purpose; and discovering meaning in your life experiences. One reason why I like this definition is that it offers flexibility for all beliefs. Another reason is it’s focus on looking inward and gaining self-knowledge and mindfulness, driven by purpose and values. Most importantly it starts with acknowledging connection with others as a key ingredient.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I embraced spirituality the moment I called the INOVA CATS Detox Center and admitted I needed help. That action sparked my connection with something beyond myself, and, one day at a time, I discovered a version of me I never knew existed.

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Who do you talk to when you are disturbed? I learned as I got older to shut down—keep my inner disturbances to myself. I think that comes from not receiving reactions from others that I hoped or expected, ya know? Eventually, I just stopped talking about the real difficult stuff and drank over it instead. I became so self-centered on my own pain that I couldn’t see anyone else’s. I couldn’t be the friend, employee, sister, daughter, mother, or dog-mommy I needed to be.

Recently I was disturbed…out of balance. I was falling back to my old behaviors of isolating and not talking about what was bothering me. Finally, I pinned myself up against a wall (not really – that would be weird) and forced myself to call my sponsor before I did anything else. Her and I talked for ½ hour. After the call, the disturbance was lifted. Just like that. Why did I wait so long to call her?

Thanks for asking—I’ll tell you why. It was because calling her was going to be emotionally painful. I was avoiding bringing the problem to the surface and talking about how I felt. The further I stuffed it down, the more isolated I became. The only way to set that yucky stuff free is to pull it out of that “dark place” inside me, look at it, talk about it, and then hand it over.

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#MentalHealthSupport #RecoveryJourney #SobrietyTools #EmotionalHealing #TalkItOut #SponsorSupport #SelfAwareness #HealingThroughConnection #OvercomingIsolation #FindingBalance