Showing results by narrator "Nick John" in All Categories

Are the kids asleep? Yes? Good. This one isn’t for them. Now, if your weary, grown-up mind has been searching for a snarkier alternative to your favorite childhood tales, this Audible Original, hosted by Nick Offerman (Parks & Recreation), will scratch that itch - and then some. Enjoy a hilarious collection of short stories, featuring performances from the likes of Tommy Chong (Cheech & Chong), Tony Hale (Veep), Patton Oswalt (The Goldbergs), and David Spade (Saturday Night Live).

A taste of what you'll find: 13 unhinged POVs, tropical island forced proximity for all, superheroes x villains x aliens x a very irritated pregnant normie, MM romance (and a little FF, too), everybody gets some (and it's filthy, duh, men in corsets, hoochie daddy shorts, and Gambit crop tops, slooty besties having slooty fantasies about each other (good thing their stellar collisions are into it), rabble chat in every chapter (on top of the IRL ballbusting), feel-good family moments and all the schmoop, and the usual naughty humor and witty banter.

From the best-selling author of Assassination Vacation and Unfamiliar Fishes, a humorous account of the Revolutionary War hero Marquis de Lafayette - the one Frenchman we could all agree on - and an insightful portrait of a nation's idealism and its reality. Lafayette in the Somewhat United States is a humorous and insightful portrait of the famed Frenchman, the impact he had on our young country, and his ongoing relationship with instrumental Americans of the time.

Colter Farrow’s branded face is a constant reminder of why he’s been on the run for so long. But his plan to return home and confront his past backfires when he’s framed for the murders of two men. Men who turn out to be US Deputy Marshals. Resigned to living on the lam, Colter heads to Utah Territory, where a desperate town marshal offers him a job as — of all things — a lawman. What better way for a man to hide from the law than to become part of it?

There are very few days off when you're on an epic quest. Believe me, I know. I'm Hedi Peacock - one half Fae, the other were - and if being a half-breed with one foot in each world isn't tough enough to manage, there are the four chambers of my heart to consider. The one who holds the strings? Robson Trowbridge, the Alpha of Creemore. If I had my way, he and I would be locked in a bedroom, for eternity, but a pressing family matter needs my attention. It's true what they say: A woman's work is never done.

For 17 years, Ty Mattson never knew if his father survived the Mexican War. But when he receives news that his father is alive - and he's joined the Confederate forces of General John Morgan - Ty leaves home to enlist with Morgan's Raiders. Owen Mattson turns out to be everything Ty imagined he would be: a good man, a true mentor, a great soldier. But a Confederate assassin's bullets nearly divide father and son yet again.

Set in a lethal pro football league 700 years in the future, THE ROOKIE is a story that combines the intense gridiron action of "Any Given Sunday" with the space opera style of "Star Wars" and the criminal underworld of "The Godfather." Aliens and humans alike play positions based on physiology, creating receivers that jump 25 feet into the air, linemen that bench-press 1,200 pounds, and linebackers that literally want to eat you. Organized crime runs every franchise, games are fixed and rival players are assassinated.

Make sure the kids aren’t around! Just because you’re a grown-up doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the art of the children’s bedtime story. Nick Offerman presents this collection of 12 short stories written in the style of a classic kids' tale, but with a decidedly dark and adult approach. What really happened after Snow White died, from the perspective of the one medically trained dwarf? A naive wizard professor reports back from the trenches of an underprivileged school of magic. And much more!

Colter Farrow was just a skinny cow-puncher when the men came to Sapinero Valley and murdered his best friend, whose past as a gunfighter had caught up with him. Now, Cole must strap on his Remington revolver, deliver some justice, and make a reputation of his own.

Earth, AD 2519. Less than a year has passed since the clone military of the Enlisted Man’s Empire toppled the government of the Unified Authority. Now the clones rule Earth, but a new enemy has emerged — and set off civil war.... Formerly trained to fight for the U.A., clone Marine Wayson Harris had led the Enlisted Man’s Empire invasion of Earth and wrested control away from the old regime. He’s now ready to do what it takes to ensure the new balance of power isn’t jeopardized.

Deep below a desolate Utah mountain lies the largest platinum deposit ever discovered. A billion-dollar find, it waits for any company that can drill a world-record three-mile-deep mine shaft. EarthCore is the company with the technology, the resources, and the guts to go after the mother lode. Young executive Connell Kirkland is the company’s driving force, pushing himself and those around him to uncover the massive treasure. But far beneath the surface, where the rocks are so hot they burn bare skin, something has been waiting for centuries. Waiting...and guarding.

When Eric Carter helps a friend with a deadly ritual that could determine the fate of the most powerful mage family in Los Angeles he steps into the middle of centuries-long feuds with people who make the Borgias look like the Brady Bunch. Eric's just fine with the murder, soul eaters, and death magic. He's just having trouble adjusting to being brought back from the grave. If he's not careful, somebody's going to put him right back.

In his mountain-man days, Elwood “Firestick” McQueen was practically a living legend. His hunting, tracking, and trapping skills were known far and wide. But it was his deadly accuracy with a rifle that earned him the Indian name “Firestick.” His two best buddies are Malachi “Beartooth” Skinner—whose knife was as fatal as a grizzly’s chompers—and Jim “Moosejaw” Hendricks, who once wielded the jawbone of a moose to crush his enemies in the heat of battle. Of course, things are different nowadays.

He’s the son of a cattle rancher. A restless young dreamer who, under normal circumstances, would follow in his father’s footsteps. Normal, however, is not his style. Like his famous grandfather and namesake Perley Gates — a hell-raising mountain man with a heavenly name — young Perley wants adventure, excitement, and freedom. And like his grandfather before him, he will find his dream — in the untamed wilds of a lawless frontier. That dream, though, might just become a nightmare....

Spin - The Rumpelstiltskin Musical: A witty musical reimagining of Grimm's fairy tale Rumpelstiltskin, created by Broadway veterans, narrated by Jim Dale, and featuring a cast of Broadway musical stars. The story takes place in a Nice Little Kingdom, and ignites when a foolish miller brags that his daughter, Jane, can spin straw into gold. Since she cannot perform such a miracle, Jane desperately enlists the powers of a magical being...Rumpelstiltskin...in exchange for a promise with dire consequences. A fun, fractured fairy tale for the entire family.

Before Twilight and True Blood, only one vampire commanded “the children of the night". In this bloodthirsty tale of unholy terror, Count Dracula slips into Victorian London with a cargo of his native Transylvanian soil - so he can rest between victims. The city seems helpless against his frightful power, and only one man, Dr. Van Helsing, can stop the carnage. But to do this, he must uncover the vampire’s lair and pierce his heart with a wooden stake.

Abandoned by her allies, the Republic of Venice holds out as the last beacon of resistance against the hobgoblin armies. Armed with new weapons the Southern Horde drives upon the floating city by land and sea. The Northern Horde drives deep into the heart of Europa and all fall before it. The Horde is vast beyond measure. Assassin daggers lurk in every shadow. Necrotic evil seeps and infects.

Andrew Dare is a werewolf. He’s the enforcer for the Roanoke pack, and responsible for capturing or killing any Were intruders in Roanoke’s territory. But the lone Were he’s tracking doesn’t smell or act like anyone he’s ever encountered. And when he catches her, it doesn’t get any better. She’s beautiful, she’s crazy, and someone has tortured her by injecting silver into her veins. She says her name is Silver, and that she’s lost her wild self and can’t shift any more.

Colter Farrow was just a skinny cow-puncher when the men came to Sapinero Valley and murdered his best friend, whose past as a gunfighter had caught up with him. Now, Cole must strap on his Remington revolver, deliver some justice, and make a reputation of his own.

In the realm of Imphallion, there once was a nightmare - a living nightmare known only as the Terror of the East. Nigh invulnerable in his magical black armor and aided by unholy minions, he laid waste to all in his path on his all-consuming quest to bring order to the land. His order. Then, at what should have been his moment of triumph, his will failed. And his army fell. Taking a young noblewoman as hostage, he escaped, vanishing into darkest memory.